URBANA, IL—Having located a particularly enticing varietal after several minutes of meticulous perusal, local woman Evie Crane, 23, told reporters Friday that the vividness and intensity of the alcoholic beverage’s neon coloring was surely a strong indicator of its excellence. “One look at this drink's exquisite fluorescent green hues, and even an unrefined eye could discern that it is of the highest quality and the perfect complement to an elegant evening's festivities,” said Crane while standing in the refrigerated section at Buy-Lo Wine & Spirits and carefully inspecting the sophisticated drink to determine its other vital attributes, such as its fizziness, level of tropical fruit flavor, and the fancifulness of the font on the label. “The interplay of the lemon and lime in this lesser vintage is titillating, no question, but the striking emerald iridescence of the sour apple varietal suggests a crisp mouth feel and an elegant finish. At $2.79, it is truly an exceptional find.” At press time, Crane was overheard asking the house sommelier for his recommendations after sliding her I.D. through a bulletproof glass barrier.

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