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Officer Claims He Cracked Open Man’s Skull To Check For Drugs

KNOXVILLE, TN—Insisting he had probable cause to search the 19-year-old’s braincase, police officer Patrick O’Shea explained to his precinct captain Friday that he had cracked open the skull of local man Dante Singleton to check for drugs. “Given…

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Onlookers Scream As Pit Bull Clamp’s Down On Child’s Hoagie

PHILADELPHIA—Alarmed and horrified by the dog’s sudden attack, onlookers reportedly screamed Friday as a pit bull clamped down on an 8-year-old child’s hoagie. “Stop! Stop! Someone get him off,” shouted local resident Tracy Boganski, who was out…

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Medic Performing CPR On Dead Guy Puts On Whole Show For Family Watching

BAYONNE, NJ—As he counted aloud his 30 chest compressions and puffed out his cheeks to blow big breaths into the corpse’s mouth, sources confirmed Friday that area paramedic Paul Mohr was putting on a whole show for the family watching him perform…

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Company Achieves 100% Retention Rate By Barricading Employees In Office

PROVIDENCE, RI—Saying the new strategy had drastically reduced worker turnover, local consultancy firm Brandwater Solutions reported Thursday that it had achieved a 100% retention rate simply by barricading employees in the office. “Many told us it…

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FDA Requires Cigarette Packs Have Image Of Cigarette Pack Which Itself Has Smaller Image Of Cigarette Pack To Make Smokers Question Where This All Ends

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This Southwestern Casserole Is So Good It Will Be The Only Thing Your Child Remembers About You After You Die

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NASA Announces Mars Rover Ran Into Jason Schwartzman But Didn’t Take Any Pictures Because It Didn’t Want To Be Weird

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Daily Affirmation: I Don't Need Help

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Report: A Nice, Smooth Cigarette Sounds Good Right About Now, Doesn’t It?

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Company Achieves 100% Retention Rate By Barricading Employees In Office

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Embarrassing Mistakes Every College Freshman Makes

No one is more calm, composed, and collected than a drunk 17-year-old living by themselves for the first time. If you’re a college freshman, here are the most embarrassing mistakes you should try to avoid making.

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What To Tell Your Teenager If They Get Pregnant

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Things To Never Say To Someone Who Just Came Out

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Things To Never Say To Someone Who Owns A Pit Bull

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Police Horse Unaware That What He Is

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Crowd At Poetry Reading Really Digging The Short Ones

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Flamethrower Set To Mist

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Baby Carrier Hung On Hook Under Bar

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The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Pamper Your Pets

Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or fill that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured…