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Image for Doctor Not Sure How To Break News To Patient That He Born In America

Doctor Not Sure How To Break News To Patient That He Born In America

CHARLESTON, SC—Confessing that this was always the hardest part of his job, local oncologist Dr. William Barlowe told reporters Friday that he wasn’t sure how to break the news to his patient that they were born in America. “It’s sad, but as a…

Image for Vomit-Covered Man Who Shit His Pants Hopes He Didn’t Blow First Date

Vomit-Covered Man Who Shit His Pants Hopes He Didn’t Blow First Date

Image for Man Takes Nice Morning Drive Through Neighbors

Man Takes Nice Morning Drive Through Neighbors

Image for Hungover Astronaut Wakes Up In Bed With No Idea How He Made It Back To Earth

Hungover Astronaut Wakes Up In Bed With No Idea How He Made It Back To Earth

ATLANTA—Nursing a headache as he tried to piece together where he parked his shuttle, hungover astronaut James Caudry woke up in bed Friday with no idea how he made it back to Earth. “Ugh, the last thing I remember, I was reconnecting a satellite…

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News In Brief

Image for Doctor Not Sure How To Break News To Patient That He Born In America

Doctor Not Sure How To Break News To Patient That He Born In America

Image for Hungover Astronaut Wakes Up In Bed With No Idea How He Made It Back To Earth

Hungover Astronaut Wakes Up In Bed With No Idea How He Made It Back To Earth

Image for Vomit-Covered Man Who Shit His Pants Hopes He Didn’t Blow First Date

Vomit-Covered Man Who Shit His Pants Hopes He Didn’t Blow First Date

Image for Man On Deathbed Wishes He Spent More Time Going To TheOnion.com

Man On Deathbed Wishes He Spent More Time Going To TheOnion.com

Slideshow

Image for What To Tell Your Teenager If They Get Pregnant

What To Tell Your Teenager If They Get Pregnant

Image for Things To Never Say To Someone Who Just Came Out

Things To Never Say To Someone Who Just Came Out

Image for Things To Never Say To Someone Who Owns A Pit Bull

Things To Never Say To Someone Who Owns A Pit Bull

Image for Onion Gift Guide: Father’s Day Gifts For Every Type Of Dad

Onion Gift Guide: Father’s Day Gifts For Every Type Of Dad

News In Photos

Image for Man Takes Nice Morning Drive Through Neighbors

Man Takes Nice Morning Drive Through Neighbors

Image for Woman Not Attractive Enough To Look Good Wet

Woman Not Attractive Enough To Look Good Wet

Image for Drunk Partygoer Falls Off Roof Attempting To Jump Off Roof

Drunk Partygoer Falls Off Roof Attempting To Jump Off Roof

Image for Child Not Quite Confident Enough To Pull Off ‘Be Yourself’ Shirt

Child Not Quite Confident Enough To Pull Off ‘Be Yourself’ Shirt

Infographic

Image for The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Design Your Home Entertainment Center

The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Design Your Home Entertainment Center

Image for Pros And Cons Of ‘Buy Now, Pay Later’ Apps

Pros And Cons Of ‘Buy Now, Pay Later’ Apps

Image for The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Find The Perfect Car

The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Find The Perfect Car

Image for Tips For Officiating A Wedding

Tips For Officiating A Wedding

Weather Center

Image for Weather Forecast Says It's Windy As A Bastard

Weather Forecast Says It's Windy As A Bastard

Image for Nauseatingly Precious NYC Couples To Walk Around In Rain

Nauseatingly Precious NYC Couples To Walk Around In Rain

Image for Scattered Deaths Of Elderly Floridians Expected Throughout The Week

Scattered Deaths Of Elderly Floridians Expected Throughout The Week

Image for We Dumb It Down The Best We Can For Our Viewers In The Deep South

We Dumb It Down The Best We Can For Our Viewers In The Deep South

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