LocalMan Locks Down Marriage Proposal Just As Hair Loss Becomes NoticeableGATLINBURG, TN—Having assessed the evidence in the couple’s wedding photos, sources reported Monday that local man Kevin Butryn appeared to have locked down his marriage proposal to wife Sandra Lewis just as his hair loss was becoming noticeable.…
LocalSmiling Dad Imagines Son Off At College Playing Video Games Alone Like He DidNEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—A pleasant, faraway expression overcoming his face, local father Matthew Worley reportedly smiled Friday as he imagined his 18-year-old son Mason off at college playing video games alone just like he did when he was in school.…
LocalFox News Viewers React To Rupert Murdoch Stepping DownFollowing the 92-year-old’s announcement that he was retiring from the Fox and News Corporation boards, The Onion asked Fox News viewers what they thought about Rupert Murdoch stepping down, and this is what they said.
LocalWoman Wakes Up In Cold Sweat Worried Cat Doesn’t Know It’s CuteSEATTLE—Sitting up with a terrified gasp as the realization shook her from her sleep, local woman Sarah Ostrowski reportedly woke up in a cold sweat Friday worried that her cat didn’t know how cute he was. “Oh my dear God, what if Winston is out…
LocalNews In PhotosLocalNews In PhotosNeat-Freak Bus Driver Makes All Passengers Leave Shoes At DoorPublishedSeptember 20, 2023
LocalLocal8-Year-Old Makes Adorable Presentation To Parents About Why He Needs Gun To Kill ClassmatesBOCA RATON, FL—Claiming that owning the weapon would teach him about responsibility, local 8-year-old Dylan Ellis…PublishedSeptember 19, 2023
LocalLocalArchrival Not Successful EitherCHICAGO—Locked in what couldn’t exactly be called a power struggle, local man Joe Horochowski confirmed Tuesday that…PublishedSeptember 19, 2023
LocalLocalImpatient Guitar Student Asks How Long Until He Gets To Sleep With TeenagersGREEN BAY, WI—Eager to move past the fundamentals and dive into more complex territory, impatient guitar student…PublishedSeptember 19, 2023
LocalLocalMan Ultimately Grateful He Chose To Go To Friend’s Wedding Instead Of Capitol RiotWESTERVILLE, OH—Saying he would always wish he could have been in two places at once on Jan. 6, 2021, local man…PublishedSeptember 19, 2023
LocalLocalParents Sit Adopted Child Down To Explain Why He So Much Uglier Than ThemFORT LAUDERDALE, FL—Taking time to help the boy understand the ways in which they were a little bit different than…PublishedSeptember 18, 2023
LocalLocalIvy League Graduate Risks It All For Love Of ConsultingCAMBRIDGE, MA—Admitting that he was taking a huge gamble by pursuing his passion over more traditional routes,…PublishedSeptember 18, 2023
LocalLocalDisillusioned Journalist Begrudgingly Adds Taylor Swift Reference To Article About Libya FloodNEW YORK—In an effort to increase traffic and engagement by inserting mentions of the famous singer, disillusioned…PublishedSeptember 15, 2023
LocalLocalWoman Slips Lifeguard $20 Bill To Let Her DrownDESTIN, FL—Reaching up to the tower to palm him the banknote, local woman Danielle Haugh reportedly slipped a…PublishedSeptember 15, 2023
LocalLocalFamily Unaware Dad’s Fallout Bunker Only Has Enough Supplies For One SurvivorVAN BUREN, MO—Blissfully going about their days thinking they would be adequately provided for in the event of an…PublishedSeptember 15, 2023
LocalLocal‘They Made Her Way Less Hot,’ Complains Conservative Pundit Looking At Picture Of His MomORLANDO, FL—Claiming that the woke left had once again stripped one of his favorite characters of their sexuality,…PublishedSeptember 14, 2023