HUTCHINSON, KS—Saying he always made sure to enjoy the annual respite from his many tormentors, local 11-year-old Liam Barlow told reporters Wednesday he was savoring the week between being bullied at school and being bullied at camp. “I’ve really been enjoying this little break I get where no one is knocking me on my ass in gym class and no one is shoving me off my bunk at camp,” said Barlow, explaining the brief downtime would allow the bruises he accumulated during fifth grade to heal prior to the start of routine beatings in his cabin after lights-out. “It feels good to know there isn’t anyone waiting around the corner—whether it’s on the school playground or at the camp archery range—to kick me in the balls and take my Switch. So I try to make the most of it. Granted, I’m probably still getting Instagram messages about how I’m a fuckface dick-muncher, but I’m just not going to check those this week.” At press time, Barlow’s momentary peace was reportedly shattered when his older brother shoved his head in the toilet and made him say he liked it.
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