Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

Illustration for article titled Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole. “I’ve been giving it some serious thought, and I’ve finally decided to take the plunge and start treating people like shit,” said Halloran, 29, adding that he had several friends who became assholes, and it seemed to be working out for them. “I’m just going to see how it feels for now, no pressure. If it doesn’t work out, I could always go back to acting like a decent person. But who knows? Maybe becoming an asshole is exactly what I need.” At press time, Halloran had decided that becoming a total asshole was more challenging than he thought and had settled on just being kind of a dick for the time being.