SHOREWOOD, MN—Citing both having to work early the next morning and several other inconveniences presented by a recent party invitation, local swingers Doug and Tiffany Finsky told reporters Wednesday that there is no way they are driving all the way out to goddamn Oakdale.
According to the sexually adventurous couple, traveling to the event that their friends Linda and Joe Tremaine are hosting in the Minneapolis suburb over an hour’s drive from the Finskys’ home would likely not be worth the hassle, with the pair stating they would probably end up spending more time sitting in the car than they would at the party.
“Sorry, not gonna happen—we’re just not driving all the way out there on a weeknight,” said Doug, 46, expressing his frustration that it would be “80 damn miles round-trip” and probably run him $15 or more in gas costs. “It’s way out past Woodbury, and this thing doesn’t even start until 9 p.m!”
“Plus there’s still that construction on [Interstate] 494, so you have to give yourself an extra 20 minutes with the traffic,” Doug continued. “By the time we shower, say goodbye to everyone, and get out of there, we won’t be home until after midnight. Not a chance.”
An aggravated Finsky added that having to stop by Cub Foods to pick up margarita mix on the way would only add to the drive time.
The couple went on to explain that they felt increasingly put out at having to always be the ones forced to make the trip to the bimonthly sex parties, saying that they couldn’t remember the last time the Tremaines had attended a similar gathering at the Finskys’ home.
“If you’re going to force a bunch of people to go out of their way to come to your place, the least you can do is put in a little effort. The last time we were there, pretty much all they had were some generic cheese-and-veggie trays from the grocery store and a handle of cheap vodka.”
“If you think about it, most of the people going tonight live way closer to here anyway,” said Tiffany, 45, expressing her belief that the current arrangement was the result of the Tremaines’ unwillingness to travel rather than an honest desire to host a great erotic event. “And if you’re going to force a bunch of people to go out of their way to come to your place, the least you can do is put in a little effort. The last time we were there, pretty much all they had were some generic cheese-and-veggie trays from the grocery store and a handle of cheap vodka.”
Though the couple said they generally enjoy such gatherings, their decision not to “schlep all the way out” to the eastern suburbs—which is reportedly twice as far away as the orgy they recently attended at a friend’s house in Eagan—was further cemented by news that certain of their closer friends in the Twin Cities’ kink community would not be in attendance.
“If Diane and Will [Rappoport] aren’t going to be there, then what’s the point?” Tiffany said. “Those two are great. To be honest, they’re basically the only reason we even go to these things anymore.”
In addition to the long commute and disappointing guest list, the polyamorous couple presented several other arguments as to why driving “halfway to goddamn Eau Claire” just wasn’t going to happen, including the Tremaines’ penchant for keeping the central air far too cold, their use of overpowering citrus-scented candles, an irritating techno music playlist, and “cat hair all over the couches, the carpets, the stuff in the basement—everything.”
Though the Finskys said they felt a certain amount of guilt skipping the sex party, they maintained that they would do their best to attend upcoming events.
“It’ll be fine—we can just catch up with everyone next weekend over at the Powells’,” Doug said. “Their annual ancient Greece–themed soirée is always a blast, and their place is practically just up the street.”
At press time, the couple had decided to stay in for the night and watch Criminal Minds.