KABOLA, KENYA—Patiently surveying the new structure’s slanted walls, leaky roof, and skewed floor, inhabitants of a rural Kenyan village confirmed Tuesday that they were waiting for a group of eager but unskilled American volunteers to leave so they could rebuild their school correctly. “We definitely appreciate the attempt, and it was nice of them to donate the actual building materials, but these Americans have seriously no clue as to how to frame a building, hang drywall, or wire an outlet,” said parent Michael Ogweyo, echoing the sentiments of residents who expressed their disappointment upon realizing the volunteers had no professional construction experience, confessing how awkward they felt feigning gratitude for their new structurally unsound firetrap. “These fresh-faced Yankee lunkheads spent two days digging a hole in the ground to place a pipe that doesn’t even connect to anything just because it was in the plans, which naturally none of them had read before breaking ground. Now school’s delayed two weeks so we can pull out the half-assed electrical wiring, knock down a bunch of shoddy cinder block walls, and re-pour the foundation. It should go pretty quick now that we don’t have to dance around a bunch of dumbshits wandering around in tool belts.” Ogweyo also urged reporters to stay away from the local hospital, which had already collapsed and been rebuilt by U.S. missionaries three separate times.
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