News In Brief

LocalNews In Brief

Online Weed Delivery Service Turning Off Potential Customers With How Into Weed They Are

SAN DIEGO—Due to its aggressive messaging surrounding cannabis, online weed delivery service GreenDream was…

LocalNews In Brief

Man Growing Terrified Something Happened To Dad After Not Receiving ‘Only Murders In The Building’ Recommendation

MILWAUKEE—Trying not to picture his father hurt or incapacitated, local man Eamon Pike was reportedly growing…

LocalNews In Brief

Unvaccinated Mom Wants To Know If You’re Coming Home For Covid This Year

ST. LOUIS—Saying she can’t remember the last time you visited during a lethal surge of the highly contagious virus,…

LocalNews In Brief

Report: All The People, Living Their Lives, Where Are They Going

CHICAGO—All the people out there, living their lives, cut adrift amidst a sea of faces in which they cross paths but…

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Beneath Veneer Of Perfect Suburban Life Lies Pleasant Family With Several Fun Lawn Games

SHAKER HEIGHTS, OH—Unseen to all but the most trained observer, the veneer of the Johnsons’ perfect suburban life…

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Lack Of Concrete Dinner Plans Leaves Power Vacuum Filled By Radical Pro-Tapas Fanatics

PRINCETON, NJ—With the entire evening now threatened by extremists, a lack of concrete dinner plans Friday left a…

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Study: 86% Of Families Hoarse From Screaming By Time They Arrive At Outlet Mall

SCHAUMBURG, IL—Concluding that it didn’t matter whether the car ride was five minutes down the block or 30 minutes…

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Fourth-Grader’s Report On Anacondas Largely Rehashes Established Research

MARANA, AZ—Calling it a clear recapitulation of what other scientific authors had published years or even decades…

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Night-Shift Janitor Leaves Behind Brilliant Solution To Israeli–Palestinian Conflict On U.N. Chalkboard

NEW YORK—Diplomats and personnel from dozens of nations stopped and stared upon entering the U.N. General Assembly…

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Police Officer’s Wife Still Dreads Getting Phone Call That Her Husband Has Been Vaccinated

NEW YORK—Admitting that she experiences a small jolt of terror even after all these months, wife of NYPD officer…

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Enormous Headstone Must Mark Grave Of Person Whose Family Felt Overjoyed By Their Death

DALLAS—Noting how the monument, with its outsized dimensions, absolutely dwarfed everything around it, sources…

LocalNews In Brief

Can Of Soup Wounded By Proclamation That There Nothing To Eat In House

MEDDYBEMPS, ME—Wincing at the use of a phrase that did not even place it within the realm of edible objects, a can…

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Gravedigger Quietly Hangs Out On Periphery Of Funeral To See If Anybody Compliments The Hole

CENTERVILLE, OH—Hoping to overhear a kind word from the assembled mourners, local gravedigger Derek Finnegan was…

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Fraternity Cookout Raises Over $10,000 To Pay Medical Bills Of Pledge They Put In Coma

DURHAM, NC—Citing service to others as one of the main tenets of their brotherhood, members of the Kappa Sigma…

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Man No One’s Looked Directly At In Weeks Concerned Everyone Can Tell He’s Balding

CHICAGO—As he anxiously examined his hairline in the mirror, local 32-year-old Bryce Keough, a man whom no one has…

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Horrified Anti-Vaxxer Discovers Every American Who Got Smallpox Vaccine In 19th Century Now Dead

LYNCHBURG, VA—Astounded by the damning information, local anti-vaxxer Pete Dixon was reportedly horrified Thursday…

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Report: Researcher Has To Step Away For Minute But Feel Free To Grab Either Cookie Or Carrots

STANFORD, CA—Explaining that she had to take care of something in the other room, research psychologist Andrea…

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Report: It Time For Neighbor Kid To Go Home

JENKS, OK—Calling for the swift and long-overdue removal of the 10-year-old from their property, a new report issued…

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Folding Chair In Church Basement Fantasizes About Getting Smashed Over Wrestler’s Back

DALLAS, TX—Hoping to eventually escape the dreary and mundane utility space, a local folding chair in the basement…

LocalNews In Brief

Inmate Granted Parole After Court Determines Release Poses No Threat To Prison’s Bottom Line

PECOS, TX—Following a thorough evaluation to determine if he was eligible for early release, local inmate Gerald…