SIESTA KEY, FL—Selecting a gem he hoped would match the meaningfulness of their relationship, 26-year-old Owen…
UNIVERSITY PARK, TX—In what was believed to be the first instance of an intelligent device exhibiting such advanced…
MISSOULA, MT—Recalling that as a young woman she had quite the reputation for guzzling huge loads, local grandmother…
OLATHE, KS—Kicking herself for failing to read the product’s dimensions, local woman Annalisa Farrell told reporters…
AKRON, OH—Relieved by his measured and accepting reaction, local woman Megan Sjogren told reporters Friday that the…
DENVER—Calling the first 48 hours of a child’s life a critical period of parental development, the University of…
CLEVELAND—Praising the incredible healing power of terrible art, local moron Todd Beram credited shitty music with…
BETHLEHEM, PA—Pausing between each labored word as his family gathered around him, local dying dad Phil Piermont…
NEW YORK—Refusing to maintain a good attitude and make the most of the situation, hostages at a midtown branch of…
EUGENE, OR—Promising to locate the loved one’s final resting place right away, the staff at Sacred Heart Cemetery…
NEW YORK—Struggling to remain detached from his subject matter, local journalist James Malvern was reportedly…
MIDWEST CITY, OK—Expressing shock after the laboratory report listed his origin as simply “N/A,” local resident Greg…
BOSTON—Describing how the phone game had succeeded where others had failed, local man Peter Bolton told reporters…
BUFFALO, NY—Hoping to hold onto some semblance of purpose in an unfeeling void, local man Craig Ulrich reportedly…
GREEN BAY, WI—Noticing the unusually cheerful tone in the voice of the employee behind the pickup counter, customer…
TRENTON, NJ—Saying it would be a nice way to unwind after a grueling eight hours at work, local man Patrick…
SHREWSBURY, MA—Praising the corn-based product’s tenacity and refusal to give up, local man Noah Hiatt told…
DEL CITY, OK—Calling the incident a tragedy that could have easily been prevented, authorities announced Wednesday…
NAPLES, FL—Delighting at the chance to interact up close with the wildlife, visitors to the Naples Zoo confirmed…
EVANSTON, IL—Admitting that the anticipation had been the worst part, a local rabbit who was recently caught by a…