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LocalNews In Brief

New Diversity Initiative Encourages Employees To Lie About Their Race

SAN FRANCISCO—Acknowledging the company’s overwhelmingly white culture presented “a continuing challenge,” cloud…

LocalNews In Brief

Man Scared Of Committing To AirPods Just Because He Afraid To Someday Lose Them

CHICAGO—Reflecting on anxieties he said were rooted in attachment issues from his childhood, a local man told…

LocalNews In Brief

Urban Overplanner Issues Minute-By-Minute Daily Schedule For Each Of City’s Residents

SEATTLE—Rigorously highlighting various times, locations, and transit routes on a large stack of itineraries, urban…

LocalNews In Brief

Pregnant Woman Playing Lots Of Mozart In Hope Of Making Husband Smarter

BROOMFIELD, CO—Noting it was a critical time for development, local woman Hailey Dobson told reporters Monday she…

LocalNews In Brief

Fetus Steps Outside Womb For Quick Cigarette Break

KEARNEY, NE—Explaining he felt “all cooped up in that place” and needed to clear his head, a local fetus reportedly…

LocalNews In Brief

Surgeon Loses Another Patient Under Operating Table

ROCHESTER, MN—Reflecting that it never got easier to break the tragic news to the family, surgeon Peter Broadwell…

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Enlightened Child Realizes Chasing Vendetta No Way To Spend Entire Bumper Car Ride

WAUKESHA, WI—Reminding himself that forgiveness was above all a gift to himself, enlightened 8-year-old Trevor…

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Kindhearted Bouncer Lets Everyone Into Club For Being Hot In Their Own Special Way

CHICAGO—In keeping with his responsibility to ensure only the ideal clientele were permitted entry, Tempo Bar’s…

LocalNews In Brief

Astronaut Lifts Helmet To Sneak Quick Forbidden Gulp Of Space Air

LOW EARTH ORBIT—Admitting he knew it wasn’t strictly allowed by his mission commanders, astronaut Lance Mann…

LocalNews In Brief

Dad Reads Menu With Restaurant Candle Like Archaeologist Deciphering Ancient Runes

KANSAS CITY, MO—Bringing the flame closer to the strange markings scrawled on the sheet before him, local dad Joe…

LocalNews In Brief

‘There’s A Razor On The Sink,’ Says Nurse Sending Patient To Bathroom To Fill Up Cup With Blood

NORMAN, OK—Assuring the man it was “all routine,” local registered nurse Danielle Fitzpatrick reportedly told a…

LocalNews In Brief

Barber Sedates Nervous Man Before Haircut

CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA—In an effort to create a more relaxed and safe environment for himself and the other customers, …

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Every Radio Station In Rural Area Playing Same Stupid Emergency Tornado Warning

SLAPOUT, OK—Bemoaning the complete lack of cultural diversity in the barren stretch of prairie, sources confirmed…

LocalNews In Brief

Man Doesn’t Understand Why Mothers Facing Formula Shortage Don’t Just Feed Baby Breast Meat

PENSACOLA, FL—Remarking upon what he called the “unbelievable laziness” of American women, a local man reported…

LocalNews In Brief

Respectful Bear Waiting To Attack Tent Until Couple Inside Finishes Fight

FAIRBANKS, AK—Saying the pair sounded as if they were going through enough as it was, a respectful grizzly bear told…

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Commencement Speaker Some Rando Who Pioneered Lifesaving Medical Research

LOS ANGELES—Complaining that he droned on about “futures” and “potentials” during his address at their college…

LocalNews In Brief

‘Well, At Least You Had Fun,’ Says Mother In Most Devastating Takedown Of Wedding Yet

RANCHO PALOS VERDES, CA—Commenting on the many “interesting choices” for the special day, local mother Patricia…

LocalNews In Brief

‘I’m From Michigan, Too,’ Says Man Hitting It Off With Locally Grown Lettuce

CHICAGO—Reportedly hitting it off with a fellow native of the Great Lakes State he bumped into Wednesday, area man…

LocalNews In Brief

Dad Delivers Annual State Of The Lawn Address

NAPERVILLE, IL—Addressing members of the household from a front yard lectern, local dad Jim Martin delivered his…

LocalNews In Brief

Louisiana Police Officer Plants Aborted Fetus On Black Suspect

MANDEVILLE, LA—Shining his flashlight into the driver’s face and feigning surprise as he “discovered” the…