News In Brief

LocalNews In Brief

Woman Wishes Husband Was Still Alive To Help Her Bury His Body In Garden

WALTHAM, MA—Reminiscing wistfully about her departed spouse, local woman Helen Calkins reportedly wished Monday that…

LocalNews In Brief

Traitorous Eyelash Gets In Eye It Sworn To Protect

BOSTON—Abandoning its most sacred duty to defend the sight organ from dust and other ocular irritants, a traitorous…

LocalNews In Brief

Music Festival Attendee Loves The High You Get From Mixing Ecstasy With Heatstroke

CHICAGO—Saying the combination created a sensory experience like no other, Lollapalooza attendee Emily Payne told…

LocalNews In Brief

Bored Vaccination Worker Spends Afternoon With No Patients Stabbing Syringe Between Fingers

HUNTSVILLE, AL—In an effort to make it through a long day with nothing to do, bored vaccination worker Ray Gately…

LocalNews In Brief

Recently Divorced Man Understands Working Through Emotions Might Take 2 To 3 Days

SARASOTA, FL—Still experiencing feelings of loss and betrayal in the wake of his divorce, Scott Keller told…

LocalNews In Brief

‘Well, Why Did I Get Vaccinated Then?’ Screams Burning Woman After Realizing She Can Still Catch Fire

YAKIMA, WA—Indignant over her continued ability to burn, visibly angry local woman Maria Williams, who is currently…

LocalNews In Brief

Improv Theater’s Corporate Workshops Help Employees Realize Things Could Always Be Worse

NEW YORK—Providing staff members with an energetic and interactive cautionary tale, The Big Apple Players Company…

LocalNews In Brief

Man Can Already See Difference In Body After Just One Week Of Starting To Decompose

BUTTE, MO—Impressed by how fast the changes were occurring, local man Marty Kerrig could reportedly already see the…

LocalNews In Brief

Woman Can Always Tell Period Coming By Way Doors Slam Shut, Lights Flicker

COLUMBUS, GA—Revealing that the trembling of the chandelier invariably tipped her off, local woman Kacey Ellis told…

LocalNews In Brief

Man Doubts Whether Cousin Really Had New Baby After Learning About It On Facebook

OMAHA, NE—Saying the social media network was the only place he had heard about his purported newborn relative,…

LocalNews In Brief

Broad-Shouldered Man Could Carry 7, No, 9 Whole Parrots

LocalNews In Brief

Hesitant Man Just Waiting To Observe Long-Term Effects Of Vaccine Over Next Several Eons

CORVALLIS, OR—Stressing that he was hesitant to get one until more evidence came to light, local man Jeff Bryan told…

LocalNews In Brief

Man Not Sure What To Do With Shitty Old Roommate That Came With Apartment

BURLINGTON, VT—Wondering if he should offer it to a friend or put an ad on Craigslist, 25-year-old Connor Latham…

LocalNews In Brief

Panicked Man Wondering If There Something He Doesn’t Know After Child Tax Credit Hits Bank Account

FORT COLLINS, CO—Feeling panicked and bewildered by the unexpected deposit, local 30-year-old Dean Osterman was…

LocalNews In Brief

Popeyes Originalist Decries Nuggets As Stain On Founder’s Vision

ASHEVILLE, NC—Calling it the greatest threat to the restaurant’s ideals since the Butterfly Shrimp Tackle Box was…

LocalNews In Brief

6-Year-Old Debating Whether To See ‘Space Jam: A New Legacy’ Following Negative ‘New York Times’ Review

PHILADELPHIA—Furrowing his brow while paging through the newspaper’s arts and culture section, local 6-year-old…

LocalNews In Brief

Company Struggling To Find Diverse Leadership Candidates Among CEO’s Golf Buddies

ST. LOUIS—Repeatedly thwarted in their efforts to bring some new perspectives to the C-suite, agrochemical company…

LocalNews In Brief

Area Scrotum Not In Big Hurry To Peel Itself Away From Leg

LINCOLN, NE—Stressing it was having a nice, relaxing time, the scrotum of local man Justin McMaster was not in a big…

LocalNews In Brief

Man At Wake Hopes There’s Picture Of Him With Dead Friend In Slideshow

STOUGHTON, MA—Searching for any signs of himself at all in the memorial’s presentation, local man Cameron Miller…

LocalNews In Brief

Moviegoer Frustrated By Loud Guy In Next Row Who Won’t Stop Shooting

BRYN MAWR, PA—Unable to enjoy the film between the gunfire and the ringing of spent brass on the tile floor,…