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LocalNews In Brief

Disappointed Man Reaches Bottom Of Ice Cream Carton Right When He Was Hitting His Stride

CLEMSON, SC—Kicking himself for not buying more than a single pint, local man Billy Crenshaw was reportedly…

LocalNews In Brief

Single Woman Feels Safer Keeping Loaded Baked Potato In Nightstand

HOBOKEN, NJ—Saying she wanted one within arm’s reach in case of an emergency, local single woman Frances Higgins…

LocalNews In Brief

Cat Clinging To Side Of Christmas Tree Admits That Was Extent Of Plan

COLUMBUS, GA—Drawing a blank just seconds after landing on the trunk of the Douglas fir, local domestic shorthair…

LocalNews In Brief

Uncle Returns From Trip Abroad With Treasure Trove Of Prescription Medications

AMARILLO, TX—Opening his suitcase to reveal a glowing bounty of illegally smuggled lotions, pills, and inhalers,…

LocalNews In Brief

Elementary School Lesson On Water Cycle Explains How Water Becomes Property Of Nestlé

HUDSON, NY—In a lesson intended to help her class understand the crucial feature of ecology, elementary school…

LocalNews In Brief

Winter Clothing Drive Puts Out Urgent Request For More Giant Foam Fingers

CHICAGO—Warning that many needy families could be left without team paraphernalia during the winter sports season, a…

LocalNews In Brief

Lifeguard Has To Admit Riptide Just Wanted It More

PENSACOLA, FL—Saying he gave it his all but simply came up short, lifeguard Brett Canberra reportedly had to admit…

LocalNews In Brief

Black Coworker Probably Wants Someone To Bring Up Negro League Baseball To Him Out Of Nowhere

WATERBURY, CT—As he attempted to mind his business and go about his day as the only African American person in his…

LocalNews In Brief

Family Scandalized After Grandmother Leaves Hot, Young Caretaker Her Cherished Cobbler Recipe

GREENWICH, CT—Bursting into shouts of opposition as an attorney read aloud her will, members of the local Douvry…

LocalNews In Brief

Progressive In Year 2180 Blasts Gender Discrimination In Conscription Practices Of Nabisco’s Corporate Military

EAST HANOVER, NJ—Criticizing the outdated attitudes and policies of the most powerful branch of the armed services,…

LocalNews In Brief

‘So What Do You Do For Work?’ Says Man In Brilliant Opening Gambit Of Making Woman Love Him

HYDE PARK, NY—Moments after being seated at local establishment Stonehill Tavern, local man Jeremy Kilpatrick…

LocalNews In Brief

Twins Invent Secret Sex Move They Only Use With Each Other

FORT WAYNE, IN—Noting the odd idiosyncrasy exclusive to the identical pair, sources reported Wednesday that two area…

LocalNews In Brief

SWAT Team Busts Down Door Of Denver Woman’s Home To Apologize For Previous Raid

DENVER—After local woman Ruby Johnson filed a lawsuit claiming police had conducted an illegal search when they…

LocalNews In Brief

Rat Mother Accused Of Savoring One Child Over Another

NEW YORK—According to a source huddling nearby in the basement of an apartment building, a local rat mother came…

LocalNews In Brief

Woman Embraces Holiday Spirit By Telling Strangers She Doesn’t Speak To Her Family

ANN ARBOR, MI—With a twinkle of seasonal cheer in her eyes as she informs well-wishers of her estrangement from her…

LocalNews In Brief

‘It’s Not Too Bad,’ Says Man As Hot Sauce Begins Disintegrating Jaw

MITCHELL, SD—After assuring his dinner companions at Blarney’s Sports Bar and Grill that he was more than capable of…

LocalNews In Brief

Mom Doing Full-Time, Unpaid PR For Some Disney+ Show About Whales

WAYNESVILLE, OH—Launching what appeared to be a fully coordinated social media campaign to alert family and friends…

LocalNews In Brief

Man Afraid To Get Tattoo In Case He Feels Differently About His Children In 10 Years

WATERLOO, IA—Stating that “you never know what could happen down the road,” local man James Kenney told reporters…

LocalNews In Brief

Couple Struggling To Get Pregnant Taking It As Sign That They Should Keep Trying Until Relationship Implodes

PORTSMOUTH, NH—Saying they had to be realistic about what their current situation entailed, married couple Brett…

LocalNews In Brief

Man Hopes No One Can Tell He’s Bald Under Full Head Of Hair

GREAT FALLS, MT—Nervously readjusting his thick and healthy follicles, local man Mike Chesper told reporters Monday…