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LocalNews In Brief

Old TV Show’s Joke About Richard Nixon Being The Current President Would Never Fly Today

CARLSBAD, CA—In a moment that reportedly caused viewers to reflect at how much freedom comedians used to have, an…

LocalNews In Brief

Aging Stalker Not Sure How Many Good Years Of Crouching In Bushes He Has Left

ROCKFORD, IL—His joints cracking as he struggled to conceal himself amid the landscaping outside an area home, aging…

LocalNews In Brief

Office Workers Terrorized By Unhinged Ex-Employee Dropping In To Say Hi

PHOENIX—Describing the 15-minute incident as “a nightmare come to life,” local office workers at Martin Realty were…

LocalNews In Brief

‘Information About Your Upcoming Flight’ Email Informs Passenger That Airplane Will Go In Sky

NEW YORK—In an effort to keep customers apprised of what to expect on their trip, a United Airlines email with the…

LocalNews In Brief

Party Evacuated Following Reports Of Host Assembling Some Sort Of Activity

DENVER—Still feeling shaken from their narrow escape, a local party was evacuated Friday following numerous reports…

LocalNews In Brief

Hospital Adds $20,000 Scan That Informs Patient Whether They Have Feet

CHICAGO—In an effort to expand the facility’s diagnostic testing capabilities, Mount Sinai Medical Center announced…

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‘It Would Be So Easy,’ Think 79% Of People Holding Ladders For Loved Ones Putting Up Christmas Lights

PITTSBURGH—Unable to resist thinking about the rare opportunity that lay before them, 79% of Americans holding…

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Man Just 3 More Failed Goals Away From Becoming Crypto Guy

MILWAUKEE—Confirming that he had long been intrigued by alternative currencies, local man Graham McCormick told…

LocalNews In Brief

Theater-Loving Friend Crying For Different Reason Today

NEW YORK—Confirming that her intense mood swings and dour composure were unrelated to any recent loss in the…

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Report: Ronan Farrow Has Been Asking People About You

YOUR LOCATION—Admitting they weren’t sure what exactly the Pulitzer Prize-winning investigative journalist wanted…

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Nonprofit Cofounders Have Screaming Match Over Whether Mission To Ignite Change Or Spark Community Impact

LOS ANGELES—At fierce odds over the future of their organization, local nonprofit cofounders Nancy Jemison and…

LocalNews In Brief

Friend Crashing In Guest Room Hopes He Can Return Favor When Host’s Marriage Implodes

WESTPORT, CT—In the midst of a divorce and grateful to have had a friend’s guest room to crash in for the past…

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Conservationist Breaks Down Sobbing While Going Through Old Box Of Extinct Species’ Things

HUESCA, SPAIN—After he choked up at the mere sight of the plastic tub tucked away in the back of his closet, sources…

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Nation Nearly Strings Together 3 Good Days In Row

WASHINGTON—Snapping their fingers and hanging their heads in disappointment, the nation confirmed Friday that they…

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Thanksgiving Guests Freeze In Disbelief After Teenager Informs Them Of Native American Genocide

SUDBURY, MA—Their forks clattering to the table mere moments after the 16-year-old’s sudden announcement,…

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Man With No Friends Plans Makeshift Friendsgiving With Family Members Instead

CENTERVILLE, OH—Hoping to salvage the holiday with a low-key get together, friendless man Clark Adams was reportedly…

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Friendship Buckles Under Strain Of Single Sincere Moment

NASHUA, NH—Indicating that the unfortunate occurrence had done irreparable damage, sources confirmed Friday that the…

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Family Saving Time This Thanksgiving By Making Oak Dining Table Day Before

WALDORF, MD—Vowing not to repeat the same mistakes of years past, sources confirmed Wednesday that the Stanchfield…

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Fish Way Too High On OxyContin Runoff To Give A Shit About Species’ Inevitable Extinction

SEATTLE—In a highly euphoric state after consuming opioids that had traveled downstream from a wastewater treatment…

LocalNews In Brief

Boss Wouldn’t Be Such A Jerk If He Knew About Negative Depiction In Employee’s Unpublished Novel

BALTIMORE, MD—Assured that her superior would rue the day he treated his employees so rudely, local woman Amanda…