LocalNews In BriefLocalNews In BriefWoman Throws Away All The Food In Grocery Store So She Won’t Be TemptedORLANDO, FL—Taking stock of anything on the shelves that looked remotely fatty, fried, or processed, local woman…
LocalNews In BriefLocalNews In BriefZoetrope A Little Thin On PlotSUGAR LAND, TX—Sighing in disappointment at the threadbare narrative techniques on display, local man Leeland…
LocalNews In BriefLocalNews In BriefLocal 11-Year-Old Savoring Week Between Being Bullied At School, Bullied At CampHUTCHINSON, KS—Saying he always made sure to enjoy the annual respite from his many tormentors, local 11-year-old…
LocalNews In BriefLocalNews In BriefIndoor Cat Wouldn’t Last A Day In The High-Octane World Of Street RacingDAYTON, OH—Claiming her beloved pet seldom left his spot on the sofa and had never honed his instincts for…
LocalNews In BriefLocalNews In BriefFriend Who Doesn’t Drink Announces Plans To Buy Weirdest Fucking Soda ImaginableMILWAUKEE—Stressing that he would much rather indulge in something flavored with huckleberry or an essence of…
LocalNews In BriefLocalNews In BriefChristian Parents Encourage Child To Save Self For Church LeaderHOUSTON—Drawing upon their own experience growing up in the church, local Christian married couple Jonathan and…
LocalNews In BriefLocalNews In BriefWhole Conversation Wasted Getting To Know New Neighbors Who Were Just Airbnb GuestsPORTLAND, OR—Feeling absolutely duped by the strangers in his building, local resident Edward Siede told reporters…
LocalNews In BriefLocalNews In BriefEmployee Always Complaining About No Time Off Suddenly Upset About Getting FiredNEW YORK—Noting the abrupt and dramatic shift in the man’s attitude toward work, Lindwasser Insurance Group…
LocalNews In BriefLocalNews In BriefNew Black Wristbands Designated For Visitors Condemned To Spend Eternity At Water ParkNEW BRAUNFELS, TX—Dooming parkgoers to an eternity of family fun in the sun, a new black wristband was unveiled…
LocalNews In BriefLocalNews In BriefGrandma Didn’t Exactly Live In 6 Countries Because She Loved To TravelOAK PARK, IL—Upon receiving information that dispelled his previously held notion that the woman was just “a real…
LocalNews In BriefLocalNews In BriefKid With Kitchen Play Set In Bedroom One-Upped By Poor Friend Who Sleeps Next To Real StoveHOUSTON—As she marveled in awe that a child could be so lucky, sources confirmed that local 8-year-old Madison…
LocalNews In BriefLocalNews In BriefKidnapper Surprised Pulling Out Hostage’s Fingernails Didn’t End Stockholm SyndromeAUGUSTA, ME—Describing his astonishment after violently torturing his victim for hours on end Wednesday, a local…
LocalNews In BriefLocalNews In BriefAnt Out Of Its Fucking Mind If It Thinks It Getting Any Of Man’s PieHOLLY, MI—Pulling his plate back from the approaching insect, local picnicker Mike Hansen told an ant Monday that it…
LocalNews In BriefLocalNews In BriefOb-Gyn Clarifies She Doesn’t Have To Hear About Foot StuffMONTCLAIR, NJ—Listening and attempting to be respectful as her patient outlined her most recently sexual activity,…
LocalNews In BriefLocalNews In BriefWoman Beelining For Music Festival Porta Potties Must Have Come Specifically To See ThemMOUNT STERLING, KY—Saying she appeared to have purchased her ticket solely for the self-contained chemical toilets,…
LocalNews In BriefLocalNews In BriefFirefighters Decide To Walk To Fire Since It’s So Beautiful OutMILWAUKEE—Moving along at a leisurely pace as they looked up to admire the vibrant blue sky, Milwaukee Fire…
LocalNews In BriefLocalNews In BriefTeen Spelling Bee Champion Commits To Spell For UCLASAN ANTONIO—Following her triumph last week in the Scripps National Spelling Bee, teen spelling champion Harini…
LocalNews In BriefLocalNews In BriefMontessori Sunday School Encourages Kids To Invent Their Own GodsBOSTON—Describing the curriculum as a way to help children recognize the value of their own imaginations, teachers…
LocalNews In BriefLocalNews In BriefDad Asks If They Still Make CocaineCINCINNATI—Suddenly expressing a curiosity about the recreational stimulant he had enjoyed as a young adult, local…
LocalNews In BriefLocalNews In Brief6 Hours That Man Will Utterly Squander After Work Fantasized About For Entire DayPORTLAND, ME—Richly imagining the wide range of his favorite activities that would be available once he returned…