EDINA, MN—Saying it wasn’t fair to put all the blame on millennials and Generation Z, enlightened baby boomer Fred…
CUPERTINO, CA—Still sporting the fishnet tights, spiked metal collar, and brightly colored pasties he had worn to…
UTICA, NY—Nearly maintaining the moral standard from sunup to sundown, local hero Nathan Cessner reportedly made it…
CHICAGO—Telling the 43-year-old that his condition had simply made him impossible to be around, friends and family…
CINCINNATI—Admitting that he had an avoidant personality that often left him closed off to new possibilities,…
GEORGETOWN, KY—Saying that he would get the hang of riding it eventually, an amateur equestrian was reportedly…
CLEVELAND HILL, NY—Onlookers told reporters on Friday that they were unsure how to proceed with rescue efforts into…
RICHMOND, VA—Visiting a fertility clinic in the hopes of finally having the family they always wanted, local couple…
CRESTONE, CO—Overreacting to the mere suggestion that a brief moment of levity might be just what the grim situation…
NEW YORK—Saying he hated to split hairs about such a tragic event, 9/11 truther Ethan Guske nonetheless questioned…
PARKERSVILLE, MI—After conducting an investigation that concluded he must have been a certified dipshit, authorities…
TACOMA, WA—Saying the disturbing emotions continued to plague her well after the point at which they should have…
NEW YORK—Explaining that any absence must be arranged ahead of time by following proper company protocol as listed…
DALLAS—Stressing that those sorts of boilerplate ways of looking at human beings didn’t help anybody, local police…
DAYTON, OH—Saying that it made absolutely zero sense for him to squander his paycheck on rent that high, local…
BELLINGHAM, WA—Admitting that his physical transformation didn’t even come close to cutting it, local nerd Hayden…