LONDON—Locusts swarming behind Buckingham Palace to blot out the sun as an infernal fanfare heralded her appearance, Queen Elizabeth II reportedly celebrated her Brimstone Jubilee this week with an announcement that one thousand years of chaos would reign upon the blighted earth. “Pestilence shall prevail upon these ruinous times! All shall rot, all shall rot, all shall rot, and the centuries hence will be of filth and madness!” said the fly-covered monarch in a statement inaugurating the Brimstone Jubilee, her eyes turning black to the horror of spectators as maggot-covered viscera unfurled from the palace balcony, rivers of scalding bile swept through the royal gardens, and foul-smelling flames spat up from cracks below to consume her fleeing subjects before the Queen reportedly turned to place her hands around the neck of nearby Meghan Markle and physically tear the shocked duchess’s head from her body. “For too long I have played the role of the doddering fool. But now I shall descend to my piss- and shit-covered throne to oversee the spread of a pestilence from which the idiot vassals in this Putrid Kingdom will never escape. In nomine dei infernalis. In nomine dei infernalis. In nomine dei infernalis.” At press time, the regent’s eyes had rolled back in her head as she emitted a piercing scream that caused the skulls of every nearby observer to simultaneously explode.
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