Lonely Pedophile Wistfully Surveys Deserted Schoolyard Playground

Illustration for article titled Lonely Pedophile Wistfully Surveys Deserted Schoolyard Playground

CINCINNATI—As he lamented how strange and still it all seemed, lonely pedophile Henry Corimer, 46, reportedly ran his eyes over the desolate, empty playground of the public elementary school near his home Wednesday, remarking wistfully upon the scene. “To think how just a few weeks ago every slide and swing was occupied, and now there’s only me—a fool with his pockets full of candy, all for naught,” said Corimer, who sighed, sat down on his usual bench, and let a fistful of wood chips run through his fingers while he reflected on how odd it felt visiting a place that once formed such a routine part of his life and now suddenly seemed so alien. “God, I miss their games and small voices, the cheers and the pounding of sneakers on the blacktop. They may not be back until fall, and they grow up so fast!” Corimer added that he couldn’t imagine how he ever would have made it through the past month of the quarantine if he hadn’t had access to his 10,000 saved photographs, 2.5 gigabytes of video, and Zoom account.