WASHINGTON—Cutting the commander-in-chief off mid-sentence and demanding that he give them a straight answer, U.S. General Paul Selva reportedly snapped “Look, just tell us who to kill” Thursday as President Donald Trump entered the 20th minute of a rambling answer about what to do in Syria. “With all due respect, Mr. President, just shut the fuck up and let us know who to bomb,” said Selva, echoing the sentiments of several generals gathered at an intelligence meeting, all of whom had grown more frustrated as the president spoke in circles and offered increasingly vague ideas for potential military actions in Syria. “Stop this meandering bullshit and give us a clear indication of who we should blow up. For Christ’s sake, all we need is a word. Assad. Iran. Russia. Whoever the hell you want, and we’ll go kill them. Just tell us whether you want a few people dead or a lot of people dead, and we’ll figure out all the details, okay? Jesus, this was so much easier with Bush.” At press time, the aggravated generals had gotten up and left the room while Trump was still talking and mutually decided to just bomb everywhere they thought ISIS could be.
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