Looking Back On The Onion’s First 15,000 Years Of Coronavirus Coverage

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As the mainstream media squanders its journalistic integrity by ignoring a devastating global pandemic, America’s Finest News Source has provided the most insightful, accurate, and truly divisive reporting on Covid-19.

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CDC Urges Americans To Just Say No If Friend Offers Them Coronavirus

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Xi Jinping Vows To Combat Coronavirus By Making It Illegal To Mention Within A Week

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‘He’s Got The Mulan Virus!’ Yells Don Jr. Attempting To Quarantine Eric By Duct Taping Garbage Bag Over Head

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Coronavirus Fears Prompt 200-Foot Surgical Mask To Be Mounted Over Docking Cruise Ship

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Health Officials Warn It Is Impossible To Tell If American Cruise Ship Passengers Suffering From Coronavirus Or Just Like That

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CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear

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Carnival Sinks Cruise Ship Rather Than Letting It Fall Into Coronavirus’ Clutches

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Passengers Aboard Coronavirus Cruise Ship Refusing To Leave After Forming Unlikely Friendships With Each Other That Transcend Nations, Languages

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PETA Quietly Testing ‘Coronavirus Is A Living Thing’ Ad Spots In Few Small Markets

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Desperate CDC Director Walks Down Hall Of Imprisoned Diseases For One-On-One Talk With Avian Flu About Stopping Coronavirus

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Jörmungandr Succumbs To First Recorded Case Of Human-To-God Coronavirus Transmission

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Trump Holds Diplomatic Ceremony To Formally Welcome Coronavirus To United States

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Iran’s Deputy Health Minister Announces He Has Coronavirus And Also Hemorrhoids But That’s A Separate Thing That He Will Deal With On His Own

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‘Whatavirus?’ Says Half-Naked Mike Pence Brushing Crumbs Off Stomach While Taking First Call From Trump In 18 Months

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Panicked WHO Officials Not Sure How To Respond After Coronavirus Brings 12 People Back To Life

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Americans Urged To Stockpile Loved Ones Ahead Of Coronavirus Outbreaks

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WHO Warns Outbreaks In Victorian England Confirm Coronavirus Capable Of Spreading Through Time

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‘We Have Coronavirus Under Control,’ Announces CDC Director As Nose Slowly Transforms Into Pangolin Snout

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Bat Scientists Urge Colony To Reduce Spread Of Coronavirus By Sneezing Into Wing

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Pope Francis Urges Priests To Refrain From Molesting Children Over Coronavirus Fears

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CDC Advises Americans To Protect Against Coronavirus By Piling Into This Here Tub For A Scrubbin’

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Lucky Cruise Passengers Get Bunch Of Extra Days On Ship

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‘I Can’t Wait To Dress Up As The Coronavirus For Halloween,’ Says Man Who Will Be Dead By May

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Coworkers At Bathroom Sink Locked In Tense Standoff Over Who Going To Wash Hands Longer

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Best Buy CEO Humbly Asks If Everyone Can Go Out And Buy A Cord Or Something To Help With Company’s Coronavirus Losses

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Top U.S. Health Experts: ‘Hold On To Your Fucking Seats Because This Bitch Hasn’t Even Thought About Starting Yet’

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Italy Travel Ban Gives Rise To Underground Network Of Gondoliers Smuggling Tourists Into Country

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Federal Reserve Takes Drastic Action By Pumping $1.5 Trillion Into The Ether

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‘New York Times’ Offering Free Access To Obituaries During Coronavirus Outbreak

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Health Experts Worry Coronavirus Will Overwhelm America’s GoFundMe System

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Trump Assures Americans He Called 911 To Report Coronavirus Outbreak

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Kushner Announces Doctors HATE Him After He Discovered One Weird Trick To CURE Coronavirus

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Frustrated Jared Kushner Doesn’t Get Why Everyone In Media Attacking His Qualifications Like They Didn’t Just Get Jobs Through Nepotism Too

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Movie Theaters Packed With Frenzied Crowds Trying To Catch Last-Minute Screening Of ‘Sonic’ Film Before Coronavirus Hits

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‘I Have Coronavirus And I Am Dead’ Says Trump Furthering Confusion Over COVID-19

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Trump Advises Americans Worried About Coronavirus To Just Get Doctor Who Always Tells Them They In Perfect Health

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Idaho Governor Orders State’s Restaurant To Be Shut Down

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Porn Industry Leaders Announce Immediate Closure Of All Orifices

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Pfizer Pours All Resources Into Developing New Hyper-Depressant Pill To Help Americans Ease Transition Into Self-Quarantining

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Woman Tries To Spark Casual Chat In Long Grocery Store Line As If She Not Desperately Attempting To Outrun Death

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Congress Allocates $2 Trillion To Bail Out Struggling Bailout Industry

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CDC Urges Americans To Prevent Spread Of Germs By Beatboxing Into Elbow

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Amazon Hires 100,000 New Workers To Cram In Close Quarters Just For Kicks

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Frustrated Dog Has No Time To Jerk Off Now That Owner Home All Day

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Trump Hits Back At China By Announcing U.S. Will Also Expel American Journalists

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Trump Quietly Checks With Aides To Make Sure He’d Be Included In Receiving $1,000 Government Checks

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Thousands Of Formerly Endangered White Rhinos Flood City Streets Mere Days After Humans Quarantined Indoors

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Triumphant Jared Kushner Announces Plan To Move CDC Headquarters To Jerusalem

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Defiant 123-Year-Old Not Going To Let Coronavirus Stop Him From Hanging Out With Friends

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Trump Seeks To Stimulate Economy By Sending Rare Autographed Photo To Every American

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Trump Administration Releases Best Case Scenario Projections For Coronavirus Where 8 Million Iranian People Die

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Richard Burr Wondering When Profiting Off Mass Suffering Suddenly Became A Crime In This Country

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Hospital Holding Back Extra Coronavirus Test Kit In Case Josh Duhamel Needs One

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Violently Bored Americans Begin Looting Puzzle Stores

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Trump Orders Manufacturers To Drastically Ramp Up Production Of Hospital Gift Shop Supplies

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Experts Warn Americans Could Still Be Dealing With Coronavirus As Late As Tomorrow Afternoon

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Self-Isolated Woman Going So Crazy She’s Started Talking To Her Spouse

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‘This Tastes Like Nothing, I Must Have Coronavirus,’ Says Man Who Has Only Eaten Mac And Cheese For Last 8 Meals

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Coronavirus Forces Landlord To Cut Back On Taking Care Of Building From 1 To 0 Hours A Week

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Restless Trump Can’t Believe He Stuck Inside With Nothing To Do But Be President

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GOP Urges End Of Quarantine For Lifeless Bipedal Automatons That Make Economy Go

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Trump Urges Loosening CDC Restrictions To Let Coronavirus Get To Work

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Trump Suggests Ceding New York To Coronavirus As Possible Appeasement Strategy

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Trump’s Call To Reopen Economy Attributed To New Floating Virus Cloud Advisor

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British Royal Family Orders Citizens To Leave U.K. Until Prince Charles Recovers

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Man Just Buying One Of Every Cleaning Product In Case Trump Announces It’s Coronavirus Cure

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TheOnion.com Has Been Designated As A Pandemic Shelter In The Event That Covid-19 Could Spread Through The Internet

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Congress Sets Aside $1,200 In Trust For Each American Until They Prove They’re Responsible Enough To Handle It

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Unpatriotic Whiner Demands Ventilator

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Department Of Interior Announces Birds Will Continue Going About Regular Bird Activities During Pandemic

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Global Pandemic That Has Killed Thousands Giving Woman Just The Push She Needed To Organize Tupperware Cabinet

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Trump Announces Plan To Retrain Nation’s 3 Million Unemployed Americans As Human Ventilators

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Psychologists: So-Called ‘Dr. Fauci’ Just A Figment Of Nation’s Collective Imagination

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Trump Delays Easter To July 15 To Keep Promise On Coronavirus

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‘What Is This Strange Sensation,’ Announces Nation Putting On Shoes For First Time In A While

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New York City Health Officials Board Up Sun To Discourage Large Groups From Gathering Outside

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Disney Announces Plans To Release ‘Mulan’ Directly Into Americans’ Consciousness

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New York Quickly Builds Thousands Of Emergency Hamptons Mansions To Shelter Wealthy

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Trump Tackles Medical Supply Shortage By Awarding ExxonMobil Contract To Drill For Ventilators In Arctic

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Rikers Inmates Punished After Guards Catch Them Trying To Make Bootleg Coronavirus Vaccine

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Life Risked Once Again Purchasing Frozen Waffles

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Anthropologists Who Discovered Existence Of Goblins Just Going To Let Coronavirus Thing Die Down Before Making Announcement

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Study Finds Most Restaurants Fail Within First Year Of It Becoming Illegal To Go To Them

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Careless Imprisoned Migrants Showing Zero Respect For Social-Distancing Rules

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Golden Corral Introduces Carry-Out 150-Choice Buffet

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**BREAKING: This Is A Test Of The Onion’s Emergency Headline System**

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‘They’re Doing Something To The Street,’ Reports Nation Staring Out Window

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Cousin Reluctantly Checked In On

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Woman Working From Home Not Sure She’ll Ever Be Able To Go Back To Regularly Wearing Bra, Dress, Big White Gloves, Minnie Mouse Head

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Los Angeles Mayor Urges Residents To Wear Face Masks, Lose 15 Pounds, Maybe Go Brunette

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ESPN Execs: ‘Fuck It, Air The Dogfighting’

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Remington Releases .000009 Millimeter Anti-Viral Bullet

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Jared Kushner Says States Should Have Planned Ahead Before Joining The Union

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Southern Governors Argue Covid-19 Good Christian Virus That Wouldn’t Dare Spread During Church

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NYPD Razes Central Park Hospital Tents For Violating Outdoor Encampment Laws

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Surgeon General: ‘This Week Will Be Like Another Pearl Harbor—And Not In A Good Way, Either’

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Trump Admits 18 New States To Increase Competition For Medical Supplies

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Crazed, Quarantined Mental Health Experts Recommend Scrawling ‘Everything Will Be Okay’ In Feces On Wall

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Georgia Governor Argues That Closing State’s Beaches An Attack On Citizens’ Fundamental Right To Get Wet ’N’ Wild

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Boris Johnson Released From Hospital After Defunding It, Shutting It Down

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Ratings-Hungry Chris Cuomo Devotes Program To Interviewing 23 Other Cuomo Brothers

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Senator Kelly Loeffler Asks For Prayers After Losing $3 On Single Stock Due To Coronavirus

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Wisconsin Primary Voters Receive ‘I Voted’ Gravestones

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Trump Overturns Presidential Limo While Touting Effectiveness Of PCP To Treat Coronavirus

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Black Man Followed In Store From Exactly 6 Feet Away

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Exhausting Every Other Way To Pass Time, Couple Begins Ranking Their Lamps

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Olympic Torchbearer Has Been Jogging In Place On Street Corner For Past 2 Weeks

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‘Just Go Home And Sleep It Off,’ Says Doctor To Coughing, Feverish Black Patient

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Damning Report Finds White House Ignored Skeletal Horsemen Galloping Through Sky As Early As January

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CDC Releases Instructions For All Americans To Make Their Own Hospitals

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Black Man Shot By Police After Matching Description For Covid-19

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Walgreens Introduces New Dumbass-Only Shopping Hours For Dipshits Who Don’t Know How To Stay 6 Feet Away

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‘It Was, For, Uh, Medical Reasons,’ Says Doctor To Boris Johnson, Explaining Why They Had To Give Him Haircut

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Postal Service Unveils Plan To Pay Debts With New $1 Trillion Stamp

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