Loose-Cannon ACLU Investigator Beats Recantation Out Of Confessed Murderer

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HOUSTON—Brutally coercing the suspect into reaffirming his innocence, loose-cannon American Civil Liberties Union investigator Roberta Spatz reportedly beat a recantation out of confessed murderer Leonard Campbell, sources confirmed Thursday. “Admit it, you son of a bitch, this confession sounds nothing like you, and you know it!” said Spatz who grabbed Campbell by his lapel and recited statistics on the high number of false confessions made annually in the United States through gritted teeth before throwing him to the ground and kicking him in the stomach. “I wanted to do this the easy way, but no, you chose to force my hand. Do you honestly think I don’t know what it sounds like to deliver a confession in a state of duress? Do you, punk? You better watch out, buddy, because I get off on getting people like you back home to their wives and children.” At press time, Spatz threatened that Campbell wouldn’t live long enough to get his lethal injection if he didn’t come clean about his innocence.