Smoove B

Girl, you know I would do whatever it takes to make all your fantasies come true. I would cross a continent. I would cross an ocean. I would even tunnel to the center of the Earth just so I could find that one perfect gemstone, lobster, or ball of lava that would turn an ordinary night into an evening of ultimate perfection.

However, things are tight financially right now due to some unexpected expenses after I turned my apartment’s color scheme from scarlet red to ivory white with pops of violet. I think we can both agree my penthouse is seriously bumpin’. Yet the fact remains I don’t have as much liquid cash on hand as I would like.

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I also made some poor investments.

This in no way means I will not please that booty. Instead, it means that there will have to be some regrettable but necessary cutbacks to our evening. Do not believe for one second that you will not feel like a queen. You will simply feel like a queen of a less prosperous country.

If anything, my desire is greater than ever before. If my love for you could be measured by the Richter scale, the intensity of my affection would be off the charts, leveling the tri-state area to powder. The rescue teams brought in to find the injured would be swallowed up by the Earth during the aftershocks. There would be no survivors. This is how serious my love for you is.

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Let me break down how this evening will go.

First, my normal gleaming-white limo and backup Humvee limo will not be showing up to pick you up. I can no longer afford to keep them both on retainer, and my man at the garage says they are not available this week. We will, instead, be driven to our destination in a 2017 four-door Cadillac, which, I was told, was cleaned very recently so it will look and smell very nice.

Once I return to my seat after opening your door for you in a gentlemanly fashion, I will compliment you on your face and hair. I will say something like, “Your face and hair look very fine tonight.” You will be able to tell from the tone of my voice that this is true.

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I will then reach into my cooler and hand you a chilled glass of cava. This is like champagne except it is from Spain and not France. We are blessed to have three Spanish food and wine importers in our city, and this vintage is the finest available. I went to all three.

Since the days are now long, I thought I would use this occasion to take you on a romantic picnic. I know the most romantic spot this city has to offer. It may not be the finest and most expensive restaurant in the city, but you will be able to take a picture of us at this spot and use the hashtag #MyManTreatsMeRight or #SmooveNightOut or just simply #Bliss and mean it.

This spot is so good you will want to freak me wild right there.

This will be especially true as I offer you another glass of either cava or prosecco, which is from Italy but is also sparkling and quite good. You know I do not mess with wine without bubbles.

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I should point out that I will not have my finest crystal champagne flutes on hand as I am concerned that they may be crushed by an unexpected fit of passion or stolen by raccoons with exquisite taste.

I will then take out the foods that will make up our meal. This will consist of a staggering array of cheeses, crackers, and three varieties of grapes. I will also have a variety of fresh herbs, smoked salmon, and a jar of something very closely resembling foie gras. This will also probably come from Spain or Italy.

I will also bring those candles that repel bugs.

Once we have had our fill of cheeses, soulful glances, and light, playful banter that will in no way be forced, we will clean up our picnic area. You may think that we are done with our outdoor adventure, but we are not. I will take you by the hand and walk you through the forest. You will cling to me, as the many sounds and movements will frighten and startle you. I will not say anything, but my confident stride will assure you that I know which path is safe to take.

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I will also have a very good flashlight.

Soon, we will arrive at a clearing that rests on top of a hill. This hill will overlook a drive-in movie theater, which will be playing the most romantic movie France had to offer last year. Once we have placed a blanket down on the soft grass, sat down, and opened another bottle of cava or prosecco, we will hold each other tight and watch the film from atop this very romantic vantage point. I will gently stroke your hair in a way that will not mess it up.

Also, I will use an app on my phone to play the movie’s audio.

Again, you may want me to hit you doggy style at this time, but I will not. This will be to heighten our sexual tension, which will be brought even higher by both the movie and the romantic location.

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After the movie is completed, we will call another car service to pick us up. I will hold you tightly from behind and whisper things into your ear like “You are my queen” and “I could never love another woman.” If you think I will run out of things to whisper into your ears while we wait, you have sorely underestimated this Love Man.

Once the car has returned us to my penthouse apartment, I will lead you to the bathroom. It is there I will draw you a hot bath and clean you with expensive soaps and the finest wash clothes Turkey has to offer. These were purchased in bulk during a more prosperous time, and I am glad to use them on my very special lady.

Once your amazing body has been cleansed and dried, I will lead you to my bedroom where I will begin to pleasure you in ways that will make you forget any small inconvenience during our evening out.

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Our love will know no bounds. We will be like exotic animals on the run from love poachers who want to shoot us, but do not realize that every shot they fire will give us more sexual passion and energy than before. Soon, however, they will use nets, which will allow them to catch us, and then later mount our heads on their walls. Other hunters, from the most exciting lands in the world, will gaze upon our erotic visages, drink scotch, and listen to the thrilling tale of our love.

Now is also when I will finally hit you doggy style.

In the morning, I will prepare a breakfast for you that will be both cooked and served in cast-iron skillets. These will have the finest and most colorful potatoes available, along with cheese and chorizo from that meat market where the employees have either long beards, arm tattoos, or both. This breakfast will be the perfect way to start your day.

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You will need the calories.

Once you are ready to leave, I will walk down with you to help you find a cab. If you give me a day or two, I would be happy to reimburse you for this via Venmo. Times may be tight, but Smoove will always pay for his lady’s cab fare home.

Smoove out.

Smoove B resides in the city of Cincinnati, OH, in a 10th-floor penthouse. He is a regular guest contributor at the Cincinnati Learning Annex, where he teaches the popular six-week course, “The Fundamentals Of Relationship Communication.” From 1998–2001, he wrote, produced, and starred in a semi-regular cable-access cooking show that focused on breakfast.

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