Illustration for article titled Loved Ones Located All The Way On Other Side Of Heaven

THE HEAVENS—Expressing frustration at the pressure from his parents and siblings to visit more often, the immortal soul of deceased man Bryan Glench complained to reporters Wednesday about his loved ones being so far away from him, on the opposite side of heaven. “Don’t get me wrong, I like my family, but I hate schlepping all the way across kingdom come just to see them, you know?” said the disembodied spirit and former social media manager, observing that while time might be limitless in the afterlife, it was still a significant nuisance to travel from one end of paradise to the other. “They’re out past the bright light and then down another 20 clouds after that, and I just can’t be trekking clear over there and back all the goddamn time. Besides, all we ever do is sit around and make small talk about our everlasting lives. It’s just not worth it.” Asked if the isolation from his loved ones had made him lonely, Glench admitted he occasionally found himself wishing he had forgone a lifetime of piety and just gone straight to hell with all his friends.

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