KINGDOM OF GOLDEN SANDS—Throwing herself in front of her beloved U.S. secretary of state as the royal executioner raised his scimitar, Princess Amirah of Arabia reportedly begged her father the sultan Friday to spare John Kerry’s life. “Please, Father, I love him!” cried the headstrong youngest daughter of the monarch as she flung her arms around the former Massachusetts senator’s neck and refused to let go. “He is a good man, a kind man, and he is the one I have chosen. He wants only to love me, Father. If you kill him then you will kill me too, for our hearts are forever entwined.” At press time, the strong-willed princess was still clinging to the 2004 presidential candidate and imploring her father to look within himself and remember how it felt when he too was in love.

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