Majestic Pine Recruited For Yosemite By National Park Headhunters

YOSEMITE VILLAGE, CA—Saying that it would be an extremely valuable addition to the park’s current team of flora, headhunters from the U.S. National Park Service confirmed Friday that they have been actively recruiting a majestic white pine for an open spot in Yosemite Valley. “This is exactly the kind of tree we’ve been looking for to fill a key position among our evergreen vegetation—the second I laid eyes on it and saw what it had to offer, I knew it would make a great fit in our montane forest ecosystem,” lead recruitment specialist Mark Havey told reporters, adding that he had been impressed with the 40-foot pine’s ample needles, prominent bark, and long track record of growth. “We spent months looking at hundreds of candidates from all across the nation, and this particular tree clearly stood out among the rest. I can say this is the best cone-bearing, resinous tree we’ve ever come across. I just hope our offer of a generously stocked water table and a spacious clearing to itself is enough to get it on board.” The conifer had yet to make a decision as of press time, as it was reportedly weighing offers from Yellowstone, the Great Smoky Mountains, and a Rochester, MN mulch factory.

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