Major Things Your Teacher Glossed Over In Sex Ed

When it comes to sex education, schools in the U.S. are still firmly stuck in the 1980s. Aside from how to put a condom on a banana, here are some major things your teacher probably never taught you in health class.

The Importance Of Foreplay

Women don’t always want to jump right into sex. Try warming up with jumping jacks, running a few laps, and stretching before the kissing even begins.

Porn Is Not A Realistic Representation Of Sex

Despite all the stepmoms and pizza delivery guys, sex isn’t as crazy as porn makes it out to be when you’re actually on the Bang Bus.

What To Do With Your Hands

Obviously the penis does its thing, but then your hands are just...there?

The Location Of The Male Penis

While this small, sensitive organ is vital to male pleasure, most sex ed classes won’t even give the slightest hint as to where it’s hiding.

The Period Paperwork

Not only is your period uncomfortable, but it also comes with 10 pages of forms, which, if not filled out promptly, can pile up and leave a huge backlog to deal with at menopause.

Anger Eggs

Some women lay eggs when they’re angry, and it’s completely natural.

Diagrams Aren’t Real Life

Just because there aren’t labels floating above your vagina reading “labia majora,” “clitoris,” and “mons pubis” doesn’t make yours weird.

Don’t Name Your Sperm Cells

It feels obvious now, but the more attached you are to your spermatozoa, the harder it is to let them go during ejaculation.

The Good STDs

We all know about herpes, gonorrhea, and HIV, but when it comes down to it, most sex ed classes make zero mention of the STDs that make you healthy, super strong, and rich.

Consent

Well, this one is a doozy.

When To Wear Leather Masks Vs. When To Wear Lace Masks

Uh, if you’re anything like us, your first billionaire masquerade orgy was a real embarrassment.

Wet Nightmares

Totally different from wet dreams, both men and women can ejaculate after a spooky nightmare where they encounter the boogeyman or die from cancer.

The Spare Penis In The Calf Compartment

Most men don’t find out about this backup organ unless by sheer chance, when the compartment pops open while they’re stretching their legs before a run.

Ben

The vast majority of sex ed teachers still have no idea how to explain why Ben is so dreamy.

Hymen 21-Gun Salute

Probably would have been nice to have some warning when the cavalry pulled up, announced our hymen had broken, and shot off 21 guns right outside our college dorm.

Where To Get All The Taffy

Delete your search history after Googling.

The Vagmönch

Have you ever heard the Alpine legend of the hairy, horned, sopping-wet demon that emerges from women’s vaginas when a man touches them before marriage? Of course you haven’t. You probably went to public school.

The Scrotum Opens Up

Pro tip, if you use your fingers, you can find the clasp in the back holding the scrotum shut and open it for extra storage.

How To Find Hot Singles Near You

Despite tons of horny singles ready to suck and fuck, a 2006 study found only 22% of health textbooks tell you where to find ripped studs or busty singles in your area.

Old Faithful Is The Earth Squirting

The powerful expulsion of fluid is perfectly natural, even for Mother Earth.

The Consequences Of The Hundred Years’ War

A glaring blind spot, most students leave sex ed woefully unaware of the 14th- and 15th-century struggle between England and France.

Intermission

During a particularly long stretch of intercourse, it’s important to let both parties mill around the lobby and buy some peanuts before going back in and railing each other during the second half.

The STD Gremlin

Yep, most of us had to learn the hard way that he only takes cash in return for protecting you from unwanted STDs.

How To Take Off A Condom Without Getting Tangled

And to think, one lesson could have saved so many people from accidentally getting trapped in a wad of latex and falling off the bed.

Double HPV

When you get this, you get to ring a gong at the doctor’s office.

The Dangers Of Ejaculating Into A Jet Engine

This may seem romantic in movies, but you’ll be sorry if you get sucked in by your genitals and sprayed out as blood and viscera.