Major Things Your Teacher Glossed Over In Sex Ed

Women don’t always want to jump right into sex. Try warming up with jumping jacks, running a few laps, and stretching before the kissing even begins.

Despite all the stepmoms and pizza delivery guys, sex isn’t as crazy as porn makes it out to be when you’re actually on the Bang Bus.

Obviously the penis does its thing, but then your hands are just...there?

While this small, sensitive organ is vital to male pleasure, most sex ed classes won’t even give the slightest hint as to where it’s hiding.

Not only is your period uncomfortable, but it also comes with 10 pages of forms, which, if not filled out promptly, can pile up and leave a huge backlog to deal with at menopause.

Some women lay eggs when they’re angry, and it’s completely natural.

Just because there aren’t labels floating above your vagina reading “labia majora,” “clitoris,” and “mons pubis” doesn’t make yours weird.

It feels obvious now, but the more attached you are to your spermatozoa, the harder it is to let them go during ejaculation.

We all know about herpes, gonorrhea, and HIV, but when it comes down to it, most sex ed classes make zero mention of the STDs that make you healthy, super strong, and rich.

Well, this one is a doozy.

Uh, if you’re anything like us, your first billionaire masquerade orgy was a real embarrassment.

Totally different from wet dreams, both men and women can ejaculate after a spooky nightmare where they encounter the boogeyman or die from cancer.

Most men don’t find out about this backup organ unless by sheer chance, when the compartment pops open while they’re stretching their legs before a run.

The vast majority of sex ed teachers still have no idea how to explain why Ben is so dreamy.

Probably would have been nice to have some warning when the cavalry pulled up, announced our hymen had broken, and shot off 21 guns right outside our college dorm.

Delete your search history after Googling.

Have you ever heard the Alpine legend of the hairy, horned, sopping-wet demon that emerges from women’s vaginas when a man touches them before marriage? Of course you haven’t. You probably went to public school.

Pro tip, if you use your fingers, you can find the clasp in the back holding the scrotum shut and open it for extra storage.

Despite tons of horny singles ready to suck and fuck, a 2006 study found only 22% of health textbooks tell you where to find ripped studs or busty singles in your area.

The powerful expulsion of fluid is perfectly natural, even for Mother Earth.

A glaring blind spot, most students leave sex ed woefully unaware of the 14th- and 15th-century struggle between England and France.

During a particularly long stretch of intercourse, it’s important to let both parties mill around the lobby and buy some peanuts before going back in and railing each other during the second half.

Yep, most of us had to learn the hard way that he only takes cash in return for protecting you from unwanted STDs.

And to think, one lesson could have saved so many people from accidentally getting trapped in a wad of latex and falling off the bed.

When you get this, you get to ring a gong at the doctor’s office.

This may seem romantic in movies, but you’ll be sorry if you get sucked in by your genitals and sprayed out as blood and viscera.