The height of summer sees children of all ages heading off to summer camps across the country, most of whom arrive with a mix of excitement, homesickness, and anticipation. The Onion tells you how to get the most out of the experience:

  • On your first day of camp, establish an infrastructure for a potential coup in case your counselor proves to be tyrannical.
  • You might hear your favorite mealtime beverage referred to as “bug juice,” but don’t worry; it’s just high-fructose corn syrup, butylated hydroxyanisole, and Yellow 5.
  • More than anything, summer camp is an opportunity to develop important life skills, such as identifying the weakest person in your midst.
  • Tell some ghost stories to really spook fellow campers, like the one about how this is one of their last summers before the relentless cruelty of life robs them of their innocence and youth forever.
  • If you are worried about paddling out on the lake, just know that the teenage counselors who huffed whippets behind the pottery studio last night will be there in case of emergency.
  • A good hiker is always prepared for what might come up. Don’t get caught without a caboodle of friendship bracelet supplies.
  • Accept that two or three of you will not return from free swim, and that’s just a fact of life.
  • Remember, there are no rules preventing you from wearing your custom armguard outside of archery class.
  • Keep in mind that camp is a great place to build confidence by trying new things and then immediately shatter it by failing.

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