BIRMINGHAM, UK—Annoyed upon realizing that the housing office based its entire decision on a single thing they had in common, Pakistani human rights activist Malala Yousafzai told reporters Thursday that she was obviously paired with her Oxford roommate solely because they are both Nobel Laureates. “God, I bet they thought we’d magically hit it off and become best friends because we both received one of the world’s most prestigious international honors,” said Yousafzai, 20, adding that she now regretted ever having written in her housing questionnaire that her efforts on behalf of women’s education earned her the 2014 Nobel Peace Prize, an award that has “literally zero” to do with her flatmate’s groundbreaking work in chemistry. “All I wanted was to meet someone really different, but now our room will be, like, ‘The Nobel Room,’ and no one will want to come hang out. They’ll think we planned this, which is totally not the case. I just want to go to class, meet boys, and get drunk.” At press time, Yousafzai was coming around to her new roommate after learning she came from a wealthy family and would be bringing a huge plasma screen TV.
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