Man Accepts He Will Never Look Sharper Than When He Dressed As Secret Agent For 3rd-Grade Halloween Party

Illustration for article titled Man Accepts He Will Never Look Sharper Than When He Dressed As Secret Agent For 3rd-Grade Halloween Party

PALMERTON, PA—Bemoaning that he had never gotten his hair to look quite that good again, local man Devin Levine told reporters Monday he had started to accept that he would never look sharper than he did when dressed as a secret agent for his class Halloween party in third grade. “Man, that suit fit me perfectly, and even my teacher, Ms. Weaver, commented on how handsome I looked,” said the 33-year-old data management specialist, who admitted he had never again felt as confident as he did when putting on children’s sunglasses, running a wet comb through his hair, and striding into Towamensing Elementary School. “I was just crushing it that day. It’s certainly the one time in my life I’ve pulled off dark shades without looking like a jackass. Plus, my dad tied my tie for me and made it look perfect. When I wear one now, I still can’t get my knots to look that good. A couple years back, I tried to bring my A-game at my sister’s wedding, but nobody even complimented me on my new suit, let alone told me I looked cool. I really think I peaked while holding up that finger gun in o­ur class photo 25 years ago.” At press time, Levine was reportedly standing in front of a mirror with a comb and a picture of himself at age 8 in which he was pretending to talk into his wristwatch while holding a large plastic jack-o’-lantern.