FRANKENMUTH, MI—Clarifying that you could never be too careful in this crazy, unpredictable world, local man Patrick Garland told reporters Thursday he always made sure the last thing he said to his parents was “I fucking hate you” just in case they died. “You never know what’s going to happen, so I always tell them whenever I can that I hate their guts and hope they rot in hell,” said Garland, adding that he felt it was important to end every conversation, even if it was just a text, with something cruel or vindictive. “It’s sad to think about, but I don’t want the last words I ever say to them to be about how much I loved or appreciated them. As their son, I’ll always feel white-hot rage towards them, and I hope that if I die first, they will feel the same.” Garland then looked at his phone, smiled, and showed reporters a text from his mother that read, “I fucking hate you, too.”
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