MESA, AZ—Saying that being crushed to death wasn’t even close to the worst part of his night, local man James Hanson confirmed Friday that he was annoyed to be dying at the concert of an artist he barely even liked. “Wow, this sucks—I can’t believe I have to spend the entire night listening to music I’m not even really into while a crowd rushes the stage, pushes me over, and violently tramples my body,” said Hanson, adding that he only agreed to come because his friends liked the band, and now he had to spend all night listening to their mediocre show as his skull, ribs, and neck were broken beneath several thousand pounds of weight. “Seriously, had I known that I’d be dying at a concert, I at least would have picked a better artist than this to be the last thing I ever hear. But now I have to lie here for several excruciatingly painful hours and listen to the Chainsmokers play some whiny techno song as I bleed out internally. At least it will be over soon.” Hanson went on to state that he was extra irritated because he would also be known forever as the guy who died during a not-even-sold-out concert.
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