LOUISVILLE, KY—Stating that he had been unable to find any in the restroom but thought they might have some on hand, local man Matt Weber reportedly asked Thursday if staff at the Louisville Medical Clinic could provide visual aids that would help him to produce a urine sample. “This is kind of embarrassing, but I was wondering if you had any magazines of rainstorms or waterfalls that I could use to get things flowing a bit,” said Weber, 34, confiding to clinic nurses that he sometimes grew shy when having to pee, and so it would be best if he could “grease the gears” by perusing a copy of National Geographic or Outside that had photo spreads of ocean waves, rushing rivers, or erupting geysers. “Some guys can just turn it on and off, but things work better for me if I can relax and get in the mood before I try to do it. Even a catalogue of faucets would do the trick. If you don’t have anything, though, it’s honestly not a problem. I can always pull up some pictures of whirlpools on my phone.” At press time, sources confirmed that Weber, still unable to urinate, was cursing himself for having pissed in the shower right before he visited the clinic.
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