PHILADELPHIA—Deciding to prepare himself for any situation that might emerge following the election, area man Josh Miller bought a couple boxes of macaroni and cheese on his way home from work in case society descended into a horrifying, blood-soaked pandemonium, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Having a few things of Easy Mac on hand isn’t such a bad idea if the entire social order collapses and we’re left to fend for ourselves amidst the chaos,” the 44-year-old reportedly thought to himself as he perused the aisles of his local grocery store, determining that between the macaroni in his hands and the half box of granola bars awaiting him at home, he should be able to ride out whatever anarchic and merciless state of nature remained after the failure of American democracy. “These will be good for a lunch or a dinner if I don’t want to leave my place because constitutional government has ended and the streets are running red with the blood of civilians. I’m also gonna grab a frozen pizza or two. I’m probably being overcautious, but if a scenario develops in which the social contract has been voided and everyone starts killing everyone else just to snatch whatever valuables they have on their person, I’ll be glad I did. Not sure I need much else, though. Maybe some extra batteries for the TV remote?” At press time, reports confirmed Miller had begun to panic after browsing the beverage section and realizing the store didn’t carry blue Gatorade.
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