BUTTE, MO—Impressed by how fast the changes were occurring, local man Marty Kerrig could reportedly already see the difference in his body Friday just one week after starting to decompose. “Wow, I began this process only a matter of days ago, and I’m feeling looser and more flexible and noticing a big shift in my overall body mass,” said Kerrig’s corpse, confirming that transforming your figure in this way wasn’t always a pleasant experience but that there was no progress without sacrifice. “Obviously, I’m just at the start of the journey right now, but I feel like if I keep plugging away, in a few months I could slim down to basically nothing.” At press time, Kerrig’s plans were reportedly scuttled after his body was discovered and pumped full of formaldehyde.