Illustration for article titled Man Can’t Believe He Being Jailed On Drug Charge When There Are Real Criminals Out There

BROOKLYN, NY—Following a hearing in which he was sentenced to life in prison plus 30 years, local convict Joaquín Guzmán, known to friends and family as El Chapo, told reporters Wednesday he couldn’t believe he was being jailed for drug offenses given how many real criminals are out there. “There are actual bad guys on the loose, people committing truly horrific crimes, and they want to come down on me for slinging a little dope? How fucked up is that?” said Guzmán, decrying a criminal justice system that spends decades infiltrating an international drug cartel and taking down its kingpin but still lets “total psychos” roam the streets. “You run one measly multibillion-dollar drug empire, and they decide to lock you up and throw away the key. That’s such bullshit. Does it really make sense for a society to spend tens of thousands of dollars a year keeping someone like me in prison?” At press time, sources confirmed federal prosecutors had approved Guzmán for a work-release program that will allow him to run his business during the day so long as he agrees to return to prison each night.


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