LINCOLN, NE—Absolving himself from any further obligation to the insect, local man Samuel Platte confirmed Tuesday that it was “no goddamn use” trying to help the fly currently stuck inside his apartment if it didn’t truly want to be helped. “Look, pal, you gotta meet me halfway and at least try to get back outside, because at a certain point, I’m the one doing all the work here,” said Platte, 28, opening all four windows of his studio apartment in an effort to make the fly’s exit as easy as possible. “I can raise up the screen and shoo you in the right direction, but if you don’t make some kind of effort to help yourself, it doesn’t matter. These windows aren’t gonna stay open forever, you know. So you can get up out of that sink full of dirty dishes and do something with yourself, or you can piss away this opportunity and regret it for the rest of your life. It’s your call, buddy.” At press time, another, larger fly had reportedly entered the apartment.
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