GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Desperately attempting to free himself from a lingering sense of paranoia, local man Adreese Fowler admitted Wednesday that he just couldn’t seem to shake the creeping sensation that someone other than the government, his employer, and advertisers was watching him. “I keep getting this eerie feeling that everything I do is being monitored by a person who isn’t from the FBI, Silicon Valley, or my company’s corporate office,” said Fowler, adding that whoever was tracking him wasn’t simply engaged in comprehensive surveillance of his behavior at work and home, or harvesting his data to create a meticulously detailed profile of his personal beliefs, interests, and habits to sell to a third party. “It’s hard to articulate, but I think there’s someone out there keeping tabs on me besides Facebook, our HR department, Grand Rapids PD, and the people who make the phone I keep in my pocket and carry everywhere I go. I feel it when I’m driving, too, as if it’s not just the countless brands that pay Google to access my GPS information that are following my every move. Ugh, I get goosebumps every time I think about it.” At press time, reports confirmed the strange, uncomfortable presence Fowler had felt lurking alongside him was nothing less than God the Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, keeping watch over the man as he made his way through this world.
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