CALISTOGA, CA—Turning off the lights of his hotel room and immediately wincing in utter revulsion, local man Kenny Porter told reporters he was disgusted Thursday after shining a blacklight on his ejaculating penis. “Ugh, god, it was terrible, the second I flipped the switch, there were neon spots everywhere, starting at my genitals and splattering out every which way,” said Porter, who shuddered and added that while everything looked clean at first, he eventually found traces of semen on things like his hand, a tissue, and even on his own undergarments. “Frankly, after a long day of traveling, I don’t want to sit down on my bed, pull down my pants, start cranking it, and immediately find jizz everywhere. One moment, you feel totally clean, and the next, there’s suddenly ejaculate in places you’d never think at the exact moment you climax.” At press time, a horrified Porter told reporters that he finally understood why people told him never to do this after going into the bathroom, turning on the blacklight, ejaculating, and suddenly finding semen all over his face.