Man Doesn’t Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

BROOKLYN, NY—With a history of tossing and turning, waking himself up with his own snoring, experiencing sleep interruptions every half hour, and general restlessness, Corey White, 31, admitted Monday that he was not even competent enough to lie in a state of suspended consciousness on a nightly basis. “Why is my arm underneath me? Why is my neck always sore in the morning? I have no idea. And this can’t be a normal amount of drool,” said White, adding that his dentist had threatened to give him a special mouthpiece just so he could stop grinding his teeth in his sleep. “And the snoring? Jesus, I can’t even breathe correctly.” Unfortunately, no sources could corroborate White’s lack of skill at sleeping, as he invariably goes to bed completely and utterly alone.