PENSACOLA, FL—Remarking upon what he called the “unbelievable laziness” of American women, a local man reported Friday that he simply could not understand why mothers facing the nationwide baby formula shortage wouldn’t just feed their infants breast meat. “That’s what you have them for, right? You can get several ounces of good meat out of each breast,” said area 34-year-old Randall Probst, explaining that the supply chain issues shouldn’t be a big deal, as women’s breasts begin to produce significant quantities of meat during the second trimester of pregnancy. “Nature has already provided a solution to this so-called ‘problem,’ and it’s pretty obvious. In fact, it’s what these moms should have been doing in the first place, because breast meat has way more nutrients than store-bought formula. Just put your breast in the kid’s mouth, and get them to take a big bite out of it. Mothers have been feeding their babies this way since the beginning of time.” Probst added that while women may feel a little pinch when an infant is tearing off and chewing pieces of their breast, he’s heard that after a while it becomes a pleasurable bonding experience.
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