CHICAGO—In an ongoing effort to secure an actual job that would allow him to earn an actual living, reports confirmed Tuesday that local man Tim Upshaw, 36, was earnestly looking for career opportunities on a website called something like Job-a-Dabba-Doo.com. According to sources, the site—which has a humiliating name along the lines of Careerin-to-Go or Hobnob4Jobs or M-Ploid or some bullshit—must be visited multiple times a day by Upshaw, a grown man with a master’s degree in economics and more than a decade of legitimate work experience. Upshaw is reportedly required to engage with the site to see if he has received any Gig-o-Grams alerting him to job openings and to “Network it out!” with a list of professional contacts, whose replies to his posts cause a loud, synthesized horn-honk to blast from his phone. At press time, sources indicated Upshaw was depressed after receiving his third consecutive Womp-Womp from a prospective employer.
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