WICHITA, KS—A wistful expression appearing on his face as he recalled the carefree days of his youth, local man Arnold Lesseder told reporters Friday that he could remember when he would play outside unsupervised, get molested, and then come home for dinner. “Back when I was a kid, we didn’t stay cooped up inside watching TV and playing video games—no, we would spend the entire day riding our bikes, skipping stones in the creek, and getting lured into vans by strangers,” said Lesseder, who stated that he felt sorry for today’s generation of coddled children and that receiving sexually explicit messages from Xbox Live predators “simply wasn’t the same.” “Our parents weren’t breathing down our necks all day asking where we were and who we were with. We didn’t even have cell phones to call 911! All my mom and dad cared about was that I was back home every night by 6 p.m., scarred for life and ready for dinner. I guess things were just different back then.” Lesseder added that his family didn’t even bother to lock their front door, and he would regularly wake up in the middle of the night to find a stranger looming over his bed.
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