JACKSONVILLE, FL—Calling his college experience “the greatest four years of [his] life,” 27-year-old University of Miami alumnus Mark Felder maintains a startling level of pride in his alma mater, a private academic institution that left him $50,000 in debt and completely unprepared for the current job market, sources confirmed Tuesday.
Felder, who graduated in 2007 with a bachelor’s degree in communications, reportedly exhibits a remarkable amount of devotion to the school that led him to flounder both professionally and financially, claiming that attending the university was “the best decision [he] ever made.”
“U Miami rules!” said Felder, who had to move back in with his parents for two years after graduating because of difficulty finding steady, full-time employment. “I try to head back there at least once a year to hang out and catch a football game. Seriously, if you’ve never experienced a ’Canes game at Sun Life Stadium, you have to go. There’s nothing like it.”
“It’s all about the U!” Felder added.
According to sources, the man who is no better off today than when he first graduated owns a wide variety of University of Miami apparel, including hats, sweatshirts, sports jerseys, and running shorts, as well as a number of posters and school pennants, which line the walls of his studio apartment. Additionally, Felder enthusiastically showed reporters the Miami Hurricanes decal on the back window of his dented 2001 Honda Civic, which he drives to the entry-level administrative assistant job he was forced to take after failing to find any significant work related to his degree.
Reports also confirmed that the man who acquired no marketable job skills as an undergraduate regularly spends his weekends watching Hurricanes football games with several of his friends from college, who are collectively over a quarter million dollars in debt.
“Whenever I go back to [the] Coral Gables [campus], it just brings back all those great memories of my time there,” said Felder, who has been unable to utilize his $35,000-a-year education to land a job that could possibly grow into a long-term and stable career. “The nightlife is amazing, we have awesome sports teams, and the campus is practically right on the beach. And everybody knows UM has the hottest girls.”
“I’m pretty sure we have one of the top law schools in the country, too,” added the man who would be in a far superior financial position at this point and face more or less identical job prospects had he not attended the university at all.
When confronted with any criticism of his alma mater, sources confirmed that Felder becomes vocally defensive of the institution that woefully underprepared him for not only the workforce, but also any form of graduate-level education.
“Don’t even get me started on the University of Florida or Florida State—those kids are all losers who wish they could go to Miami,” said Felder, whose monthly student loan payments barely cover the accrual of interest and are unlikely to erase his debt for at least another 20 years, making it increasingly improbable that he will ever own a home or retire at a reasonable age. “Honestly, I’d take the U over any school in the country, and I’d recommend it to anybody. Everyone who goes there loves it.”
In addition to encouraging family members and his friends’ younger siblings to attend the university, Felder expressed his hope to one day send his future children to the school, each of whom will undoubtedly qualify for comprehensive financial aid packages due to their father’s low level of annual income and virtually nonexistent savings.
At press time, Felder had just received a phone call from the University of Miami asking for a donation to the school.