Man Has Come Too Far To Turn Back For Grocery Basket

Illustration for article titled Man Has Come Too Far To Turn Back For Grocery Basket

FALCON, CO—Rueing his earlier hubris but knowing that the only course he had left was to press forward to the next aisle of the supermarket, local man Tim McClendon told reporters Friday that he had come too far to turn back for a grocery basket now. “I’ve reached the point of no return, so I must press onward, my arms overladen with butter and yams,” said McClendon, adding that he recognized the futility of even trying to retrace the steps through the pasta and bread aisles all the way back to the produce section where the baskets were. “This is my fate. I am destined to wander the frozen food aisle trying to balance two cans of diced tomatoes and bunch of bananas on a six-pack of seltzer in one hand, to dangle a three-pound sack of potatoes from a single pinky finger going numb, to curse myself after realizing I have no idea how I’ll ever carry these chicken breasts, the main thing I came here for. Why, oh why did I think I could forgo a basket when even an entire cart would not be unreasonable to carry all of the items I’m now doomed to balance precariously in nothing but my own two hands? How could I have fooled myself into thinking that I was only here for a few things, to ignore what I know about sizes and weight, to forget my own weakness for grabbing chips and then salsa despite knowing that I cannot carry them without risking catastrophe, to turn up my nose at this establishment’s humble offer of a basket? Yet I have come too far to ever turn back, and I must let the past remain in the past. Only fate will tell if this glass jar of expensive organic jam can remain lodged in the crook of my elbow for the rest of my journey.” At press time, McClendon was cursing himself for his lack of foresight after declining the checkout cashier’s offer of plastic bags to carry his items out of the store.