RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish. “Man, he must really get off on that,” said 29-year-old warehouse manager Thomas Alden, looking askance as the smiling man walked down the sidewalk making no attempt to conceal the fact that he was gently squeezing the pregnant woman’s fingers. “I mean, if you’re into that, I guess more power to—oh, gross. Now he’s rubbing her belly. He’s just flaunting it now. What a complete fucking freak.” At press time, the woman had been asked when she was due by a kind elderly passerby who observers presumed was part of the same bizarre kink community.

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