TEMPE, AZ—Vowing to go above and beyond to impress his abductors, local man Nate Hahn expressed hope Tuesday that a nicely dug grave would get him back in his captors’ good graces. “I know we kind of started off on the wrong foot, but if I can just get this burial plot absolutely perfect, I’m sure I can win my kidnappers over,” said Hahn, explaining that the guy before him had done such a sloppy job on his grave that they had shot him in the head. “I mean, I don’t know what more they could want from me. All the edges of the grave are super crisp and straight, no crumbly parts whatsoever. I even made sure it was extra deep. Who knows, if I do a good enough job, they might make me their go-to grave digger.” At press time, an eager-to-please Hahn was reportedly offering to test the grave plot out to show how well it worked.