POTTSTOWN, PA—Explaining how it would be an ideal way to go out, area man Albert Bailey told reporters Tuesday that he was hoping his death is fucked up enough that he gets a law named after him. “I’m picturing it now: ‘Albert’s Law,’” said Bailey, fantasizing about his family at the statehouse standing next to the governor as he signs an executive order that would limit the maximum speed limit on riding lawn mowers or create new regulations for the sale of kerosene. “How cool would it be to have your death be the reason people start needing a license to buy a crossbow? That’s the kind of legacy I want to leave behind.” At press time, Bailey passed away from commonplace heart disease.
