PEORIA, IL—Saying that the sports bar provided the perfect venue to cheer on the U.S. national team and barely socialize, area man Chris Ruhland, 28, reportedly invited his four closest buddies to their neighborhood Buffalo Wild Wings this afternoon to spend 45 minutes intently watching a World Cup soccer match before uttering a single word to one another at the start of halftime. “So how’s everything been going, Jake? Anything new with—” said Ruhland before snapping his attention back to the TV screen as a compilation of first-half highlights began to play at the start of the halftime analysis, which itself was followed by a string of commercials that offered the friends a grand total of 3.5 minutes in which to fit as much interaction as possible. “I heard that Dave got married last month? Must have been great seeing all those guys. I would—wait, hang on. Kickoff.” According to eyewitness reports, while the match claimed their attention so fully that any amount of conversation was impossible, all five men somehow managed to down several Game Changer Ales and three large orders of Mango Habanero wings without once averting their eyes from the game.

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