MILWAUKEE—Confirming that he had long been intrigued by alternative currencies, local man Graham McCormick told reporters Tuesday that he was only three more failed goals away from becoming a crypto guy. “Really, I just need another business venture going under and maybe a few more job rejections and then buying some Bitcoin will start sounding pretty damn appealing,” said McCormick, adding that even an upcoming Tinder date going poorly could propel him irreversibly toward becoming the sort of person who regularly name-drops Ethereum, Stablecoin, and the future of currency into otherwise unrelated conversations. “After I watched my Amazon Marketplace account fail, I started clicking around Coinbase and saw a lot to like. But then I figured I should see whether my podcast takes off before I go all in and, say, start wearing a Hodl Token hoodie around and explaining the blockchain to coworkers.” At press time, McCormick had lost his life savings.
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