Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

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SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick. “Fucking Dave; this is all his fault,” said the feverish Mosley, recalling when coworker Dave Barlow coughed several times throughout the day last week at work and neglected to cover his goddamn mouth. “I bet that piece of shit got me sick when we were talking in the elevator. He kept sniffing and wiping his nose. That fucking moron claimed it was allergies. He probably knew it wasn’t, that fucking dick.” At press time, several of Mosley’s other coworkers were reportedly at home sick with a virus, which they were all currently blaming “that stupid fucking dumbshit Mosley” for spreading around the office.