SPRINGFIELD, IL—Describing his ideal work environment as lenient on total incompetence, local man James Kearse told reporters Tuesday he’s looking for a job that plays to his natural talent for half-assing things. “I’ve always had a gift for slapping shit together at the last second, so it’d be nice to finally work somewhere that fosters my ability to haphazardly do third-rate work and call it a day,” said Kearse, expressing hope that, unlike his last few bosses, his future employer would appreciate his innate knack for screwing around, constantly missing deadlines, and putting the absolute minimal amount of effort into each of his responsibilities. “If you need a project that is barely completed under the wire, immediately falls apart upon inspection, and is presented with a really lousy attitude, then I’m your guy. With any luck, I’ll find someone who recognizes that and gives me the space I need to actually grow those slacking off skills.” At press time, Kearse was planning to start his own business after realizing that if he were the boss, he could simply do blundering, slapdash work for himself.

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