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Man Not Sure What To Do With Shitty Old Roommate That Came With Apartment

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BURLINGTON, VT—Wondering if he should offer it to a friend or put an ad on Craigslist, 25-year-old Connor Latham told reporters Monday he wasn’t sure what to do with the shitty old roommate that came with his apartment. “I noticed it when I toured the place last month, but I just assumed whoever lived here was going to take it with them when they left,” said Latham, adding that the roommate did not appear to be good for much of anything, took up quite a bit of space, and was “kind of smelly.” “Right now, this apartment basically has a whole room I can’t even use. I’m going to call the landlord, because he should have had this fucking mess moved out of here before I moved in. I’d get rid of it myself, but that thing’s got to weigh close to 200 pounds.” At press time, Latham had gotten a few friends together to help him carry the unwanted roommate down the stairs to the curb on the off chance a neighbor or passerby might see it and decide it would do in a pinch.