GRATIS, OH—Unable to resist the temptation as he stopped in the small town for a meal, 31-year-old Nicholas Hechinger reportedly whipped out his phone Wednesday to gawk at the local freaks on Tinder. “Oh, this is going to be good—let’s set the age preferences as wide as it can go so we really get some weirdos!” said Hechinger, who chuckled under his breath as the app loaded up all eight of the profiles within a 15-mile range, eagerly anticipating the chance to take in the veritable freak show of small-town residents searching for companionship. “My God, look at these people. We have a few divorcées with kids, a couple teens still in high school, and this guy’s picture is just a pixelated can of beer. You have to wonder how they even procreate. Why, with these few hook-up opportunities, you can barely even call them human.” At press time, Hechinger was crafting an earnest message to ask if the sole 29-year-old on the app wanted to meet up for drinks.
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