Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

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RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side. “Oh, crap, I gotta go for it—the rip’s getting bigger and I’m way too far to turn back now,” Parnasse reportedly thought to himself, gingerly holding the plastic bag at arm’s length to avoid the stream of unidentifiable liquid dripping from the lengthening tear dangerously close to his shoes. “God, I knew it was a big mistake yanking the bag from the garbage can like that. I should’ve just brought the whole can out with it. Dammit. If the coffee grounds reach that hole, I’m really fucked.” At press time, a frantic, briskly striding Parnasse was forced to turn his attention away from the growing hole as the weight of the trash bag began stretching the drawstring he was holding to the point of imminent failure.