CHICO, CA—Acknowledging that he hated the constant badgering while growing up, local man Joseph Porter told reporters Monday that he realized his parents only pushed him so hard to make him insecure for the rest of his life. “At the time, I couldn’t see it, but now I understand that all their pressure was just teaching me to grow up into the kind of person who hated himself and never thought that he was good enough,” said Porter, who added that his parents constant need for him to get good grades, perform well in sports, and attend the best schools eventually showed him the value of measuring his life in arbitrary achievements and beating the shit out of himself when he failed. “Yeah, it wasn’t always fun growing up, but now I’m a shell of a man who questions every decision he’s ever made and constantly feels like a failure on all counts. Plus, my parents were so lenient on my brother, and look at him. He’s so happy and well-adjusted now.” Porter added that when he had kids, he wanted to do everything in his power to make sure they grew up to be just as neurotic, depressed, and unstable as he was.
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