MOBILE, AL—Appearing disinterested as he marched among a horde of angry townspeople Thursday, a local man acknowledged to reporters that he had really only joined an angry mob parading through the streets so he could show off his fancy new torch. “To be honest, I really don’t know what we’re opposing or supporting here, I just wanted to give this baby a whirl,” said Tony Miller, 29, growing animated as he discussed his torch’s detailed craftsmanship and remarked upon how it was probably of high enough quality to be used in an Olympic ceremony. “It’s great for brandishing. You can flail it around as much as you like, and it really gets the job done. I’ve gotten some pretty nice compliments on it, and one guy seemed impressed when I showed him how comfortable the grip is. Clearly, everyone out here tonight is genuinely upset about something, and I can respect that. But if I contribute anything to this scene, it’ll be to convince some of these folks to upgrade from their Tiki torches.” At press time, Miller was reportedly showing off the antique hand-forged pitchfork he had purchased online.