Man Requests Spotter For Particularly Messy Sandwich

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DEERFIELD, IL—Taking several deep breaths before lifting the triple-meat sub up into the air, local man James Randolf requested a spotter Thursday for a particularly messy sandwich. “Hey, buddy, can you give me a hand over here— this thing is pretty heavy,” said a sweat-drenched Randolf, who heaved, shook, and moaned while attempting to hold the wobbling bread stuffed with roast beef, ham, salami, tomato, and mayonnaise above his chest. “Thanks, man, that thing was crushing me. I thought I was gonna die under there. Oh God. Oh God. I knew I shouldn’t have asked for extra cheese. Actually, if you could stick around, I wouldn’t mind taking a few more bites.” At press time, Randolf offered to return the favor after noticing his spotter was pinned beneath an extra-sloppy cowboy bacon burger.